Two weeks post partum...

"...Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!”

~Nehemiah 8:10b

Day 14: My little bit of happy - sleeping in (despite the weird haunting dreams)!

Dear Caleb,

How hard it is to believe that today is two whole weeks since you were born. This time 2 weeks ago my body geared down into full blown labor with you.

There are those who would say that because you were dead and so young that you were not really born. Oh yes you were born!!! All 8.6 inches of you. I may have only pushed once, but I pushed. I pushed with sorrow. I pushed with purpose. I pushed with conviction. I gave birth to a very tiny and very still little boy.

When I picure you living I don't picture you as a tiny helpless baby. When I close my eyes I see a little boy of 2 or 3 with facial features similar to your brother Joshua, but resembling me some too. I see a chubby boy with a thick stocky build, bright shining eyes, and big loopy curls like your brother Luke. I see you running and playing in the sunshine, smiling a smile that starts in your toes and comes out your eyes. You dart away playfully. You are laughing, but I can't hear it. You are silly like your brother Elijah.

What does your voice sound like Caleb? I want to hear your distinctive cry, the one I would be able to identify amongst a throng of babies. I want to hear your laugh. I want to hear the silly things you would say.

Two weeks? Two weeks ago I was very pregnant. I had a perfectly round bump. My body shows no trace that you were ever here. There is no milk in my breasts, no residual bump where you lay. Nothing. Just post partum bleeding as a physical reminder.

The phantom kicks started a few days ago. Thank God they are few and far between, for they wrench at my heart!!! Normally when I have post partum fantom kicks I have a sweet baby to hold.

Not this time.

Aching,

~ Mommy