Day 12: My little bit of happy for today - Venti Caramel Apple Spice from Starbucks and time alone with my precious husband!
Dear Caleb,
Today has been one of the hardest days since losing you.
First of all, it was one week ago today that we layed your body in the ground.
Second of all, I had an appointment with my OB.
It was hard being back in the place that had held so much anticipation for me, and where my heart was broken. As I walked passed the lab I remembered that I would not be going there for my glucose tolerance test as I would have at my next OB appointment.
Then we had to sit in the waiting room. And wait. And wait. And wait. By the time the doctor finally saw me it was more than an hour past my scheduled appointment time.
We gave her some pictures and she mourned with us.
And I still haven't gotten to the bad part.
While she hasn't seen any of the records of your delivery, she is convincced that your cause of death was NOT the cord accident we were assured it as. Instead she feels quite certain you died for the same reason all my other little babies before you died - because there is something wrong with my body causing my babies to die. She has suspected I had an undiagnosed clotting disorder for years now and was treating me with baby aspirin and extra folic acid, even though my thrombo panels came back negative after my last miscarriage in 2006.
So next week she will be meeting with a team of doctors to come up with a plan for me for the next pregnancy.
In the mean time, the scab on my heart has been ripped off and my grief and sorrow are fresh again. I just can't bare for my body to have done this to you!!! I am riddled with guilt and anxiety and I feel totally shattered.
I want to threaten God. I want to point my finger His face and order Him to never do this to me again. This one time is fine (ish), but never again.
How hard it is to trust when what He is doing doesn't make sense!!! My faith is so finite and frail!
Either I believe that God is Sovereign or I don't. And once again, God has asked me to step out of the boat and to trust Him.
I want YOU back!
Love,
~ Mama
About Me
- mothergoose518
- Somewhat Crunchy, Old Fashioned, Fundamental Bible Believing Christian.
Full time stay at home mom to many.
(Two by choice, Six by birth, Eight in Heaven)
Infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth survivor.
College student. Relaxed homeschooler. Molder of hearts and minds. Cheerer of ball games.
Lover of books. Stringer of words. Wanna be photographer.
Passionate lover and helper of my Super Hubbie!
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