From my mother's womb, You have been my God...

"I was thrust into your arms at my birth. You have been my God from the moment I was born." ~ Psalm 22:10

Dear Caleb,

Part of this verse, in a different translation is on your Uncle Isaiah's grave in my hometown of Phoenix, Arizona. The verse is slightly taken out of context, for David is talking about the suffering he is enduring that time in his life. In the previous verse he states "Yet you brought me safely from my mother’s womb and led me to trust you at my mother’s breast."

I suppose that in our situation that verse is relative. From God's vantage point He did bring you safely from my womb, for you went straight from me to His arms. But the second part certainly does not apply for you never spent time at my breast or on my lap receiving my instruction. The Lord saw fit to take you as you were without your having to choose Him first. What a blessing this is for you!

Today it has been a full week since I last held, touched, smelled and saw your body. One day soon I will tell the full story of that day, but not tonight.

This afternoon I visited your grave. The happy bright blue balloon that we stuck into the ground where your body will lay until Christ returns ("For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: " 1 Thessalonians 4:16) is still as vibrant and full as it was when we stuck it into the ground last Wednesday. The flowers we laid on top of your grave however have lost most of their color and look quite pathetic.

I didn't remove the dead flowers. I just couldn't. They are part of the earth and I like the idea of them simply returning to the ground, as you would if you weren't in that (much to big for you) plastic box. Instead I put the new flowers on top of them.

There were 2 flower arrangements left that survived your sister. On Sunday afternoon while left with Luke so Daddy and I could take a nap he went and played the wii while she climbed onto the table and started ripping my/your/our flowers apart!!! I wouldn't say I was distraught about it, but I certainly was NOT happy!

I had wanted to dry both of these arrangements, or else dry one and press the other. The one I most wanted to dry was damaged enough by Sarah playing with it that it wasn't worth it so today I pulled all the flowers out of it and layed them on top of your grave. I still plan to press the other ones, but it's a rather large arrangement and I'm not totally sure how I will do it. It must be done soon though as the flowers are begining to droop quite a bit!

Tomorrow I am going back to see my doctor. Back to the place where my worst fears were confirmed and we first saw your body void of any life. I'm looking forward to it. I very much want to talk to her about how you died, how long I can expect my post partum bleeding to last, the fact that milk has not come in (all 5 of the people I know personally who have experienced a loss at this stage had their milk come in, and I have not!), and when we can start hoping for another pregnancy. Not to replace you, for that can't be done.

But I still want a new baby, I still want to be pregnant, and Sarah still needs a buddy. Preferably not a four legged furry one! It makes me laugh the way she carries the kitten and orders it around... until I remember that she has a baby brother in Heaven who she'll never get to play with and that makes me sad.

Tomorrow is also the one week anniversary of us laying your body to rest. It seems like soooo much more time has passed since your life on earth ended.

I love you Caleb. I miss my belly bump. I miss all the moving around I would be feeling you do inside of me if you were still here.

I miss, I want, I hurt, I love.

~ Mommy

"Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord."

~ 1 Thessalonians 4:17