Wonder and amazement...

"For He knows how weak we are; He remembers we are only dust. Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows, and we are gone— as though we had never been here. But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear Him. His salvation extends to the children’s children of those who are faithful to His covenant, of those who obey His commandments!"
~ Psalm 103:14-18

Day 44: My little bit of happy - buying easter outifits for 4 of 5 living children. I just need to get a shirt for Luke and something for me!

Today as The Super Hubbie was preparing to leave for work, our 2 year old daughter watched him with interest. Her incessant chatter brought a smile to both of our faces and much of what she said made us laugh.

As I listened to her and looked past her to her father, the man who holds my heart in the palm of his hand, I couldn't help but marvel. Our love made this miraculous creature! We made her! With God's help of course, but she came from us. I still can hardly believe she is really ours, that she is really here, and that we really get to keep her. At only 2 years old she is already such a remarkable person and I am so filled with awe at the feel of her in my arms, the spark in her eyes, the love in her heart, her wit, the way she so easily wraps her brain around concepts and how quickly she learns things... what an utterly beautiful package God sent her in...

And do you know what? All the shattered pieces of my heart came back together when I first saw Caleb. In that moment all of my grief was put on the back burner as I was so totally consumed with wonder and amazement that this wonderful man and I had made this little boy. This spectacularly tiny little creature was ours! He came from our love and my body grew and nurtured him.

He never saw the light of day, he never said anything funny or displayed an advanced intellect. I never saw him smile, he never clung to me when he was hurt. In the eyes of the rest of the world he never amounted to anything.

Yet he was just as remarkable and amazing as his sisters and brothers. Maybe more so, for his short life is bound to reach more hearts than theirs will. Without ever saying a word, without a glance, without taking a single step. He is amazing.

His body was perfect. Every branch of every vein, every bone, ever hair folicle perfectly placed. The shape of his muscles showed the delight he took in dancing in my womb. The last time I saw Caleb he was dancing. And now he dances in worship before the Lord of Heaven and earth. I bet his eyes sparkle and shine, just like his sister's do. And I bet he laughs because his heart overflows with joy.

I wonder sometimes if he misses us, but that wondering is quickly followed by the deep blessed assurance that being in the presence of Jesus overshadows anything our loved ones feel for those they have left behind. While I do think that Caleb is aware of us and remembers the comfort of his mama I don't think his thoughts fall to us often. He's too busy praising the Lamb that was slain (to Him be the glory and the honor forever, Amen!)!

As much as I miss Caleb, and as heavy as my heart is sometimes, I still feel that sense of awe and wonder about him. I still can't believe he is really ours; that we were so honored and blessed to see him, to hold him, to love him. While having Caleb brought so much heartache, he also brought so much joy. How many other parents have the privaledge of marveling over the miracle of their child's body when it is still so utterly tiny and helpless? I would give anything to have Caleb still here with us today, and I absolutely hate the fact that his dying and being born so early meant losing him.

But at the same time I count it such a privaledge that I got to witness first hand how amazing our children are when they are still so very dependant on their mother's body for life. I have held in my very own hands the evidence of how fragile and in need of protection these little ones are. I kissed his tiny head, held his tiny hands, and stroked his tiny little feet.

How can anyone see such a one and deny God is beyond my comprehension!

How can there be no Caleb?!

"My heart has heard You say, “Come and talk with Me.” And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”"

~ Psalm 27:8

Day 41: My little bit of happy - getting Sarah's play room and my bedroom back in order!

Dear Caleb,

My heart and thoughts have been filled with you today. I carry you with me every day, but today for some reason you've been a constant present in my thoughts.

I think some of it comes from the utter silliness of your sister, Sarah. Her two year old antics have me so filled with joy that my heart asks the same question it has been asking since I first held her in my arms. "What would life be with no Sarah in it?!" But now that question is bittersweet because it begs another question...

What is life with no Caleb in it, sweet boy?! How am I supposed to live without your soft silky pudginess, your words, your playfulness? How am I supposed to live without you climbing onto my lap shoving a book in my face demanding "you wead me!" Or bringing me a crayon and paper saying "D'aw my name!" What is life without hearing you say my name in your own sweet way or wrapping your arms around my neck with a big squeeze and pressing your cheek against mine? How can I stand not watching your sister tie a blanket around your neck so you can run around the room announcing "I f'ying... I super baby!!!" How can I stand not having you climb up into my chair and into my lap insisting "I want you"?! Or climbing into my bed and snuggling up against me saying "I want you b'ankies" or "I want ma-ma"?!

I am coming out of my pregnancy fog, feeling more industrious and productive with each day. Conquring laundry, tackling dishes, eliminating clutter... It feels so odd coming out of the pregnancy fog with no baby to tend too. Today I crashed hard and ended up taking a 3 hour nap between 5 and 8 pm because I worked so hard today... and I didn't have a nursing baby to make me stop and sit a while.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

which growshigher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
by: ee cummings

Carrying you in my heart,

~ Mama

6 weeks and a precious gift...

"I love the Lord because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: “Please, Lord, save me!” How kind the Lord is! How good He is! So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and He saved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me."

~ Psalm 116: 1-7

Day 40: My little bit of happy - a Willow Tree figure from a friend at church!





On Friday I hit the 6 week post partum mark. Wow. Can it really be that it's been such a short time? And at the same time, has it really been so long? I miss my boy. So so so much. But emotionally I am doing very well. I am sad, and I am disappointed, but I am living life to it's fullest and enjoying every day I am given.


In the morning it will be Monday. The day when Caleb and I would have hit week 24 - the week when they are considered viable outside the womb. In our case it really doesn't make much of a difference since Caleb died before he was born, but at the same time it does give me pause.


Today I was given the sweetest of gifts! One of the mamas at church gave me a gift, the gift of a Willow Tree figure. We had been talking a few weeks ago about how lovely they are and she was saying that she has one representing each member of their family. In the conversation I had wanted to tell her about how I had wanted to buy one to remember Caleb by but had become to emotionally overwhelmed in the store and had to leave, but I couldn't tell her because I couldn't do it without bawling. So she didn't even know that I wanted one, but when she saw this one it reminded her of the pictures of Caleb and I. Does that sound like a God thing, or what?! I am so unbelievably moved by this, I just can't even express it.

Ryan...

Have you met Ryan yet? If not, you should! He is one of the biggest miracles I've been privaledged to witness. At 12 weeks gestation Ryan's parents were told his body was not compatible with life and he would not make it to 20 weeks gestation. They were advised to terminate. Today, February 19, 2010 Ryan is celebrating his 1st birthday!!!

Incidentally, Ryan came home from the hospital the day Caleb was born. Something that made me smile on that saddest of days...

http://marquissclan.blogspot.com/2010/02/ryan-one-year.html

Thoughts and such...

Day 37: My little bit of happy - Open Gym followed by a 4 hour playdate with one of my favorite friends! It was an awesome day!

I am making a somewhat forced effort to write tonight. I've reached a place where I am lacking motivation to write about what is going on in my head. I'm still thinking and feeling lots of things, I guess it's just overwhelming at times and at others I feel a complete lack of motivation. I know I will regret it later if I don't make myself write, so here I sit.

Yesterday I finally got the results on all the pathology report. Chromosomes and cord came back normal. No surprise there. And the placenta did not show any thrombophilic changes. The high risk panel of doctors - OBs and perinatologists - at Kaiser met to discuss my "case". According to the perinatologists the placenta and the vessels therein would not have been mature enough for the pathologist to neccesarily be able to identify thrombophilic changes. So while we are still thinking cord accident (and frankly if you think about it, if the blood flow to the cord was compromised it would make a cord accident much more likely as the pressure in the cord would be diminished) I am being officially labled as thrombophilic. In all future pregnancies I will have to give myself (read that Super Hubbie will have to give me) daily shots of Lovenox (blood thinner) and I will be followed even MORE closely than I was even with Sarah and Caleb.

At this point I can probably kiss my hopes and dreams of ever having a homebirth goodbye. Deep in my heart I haven't given up, I'm just not ready to close that door and walk away. And it's also not something I'm ready to grieve over. This is something I really really want. It's what I believe in with all my heart and I wish that I could set that example for my daughters and make it something normal for them. Who knows... maybe I will live vicariously through them one day...

Introducing my Photography blog!

http://mothergoose518photography.blogspot.com/

Another Monday...

"Because You are my helper, I sing for joy in the shadow of Your wings. I cling to You; Your strong right hand holds me securely."

~ Psalm 63:7,8

Day 34: My little bit of happy - sleeping in, but still getting a lot accomplished today.

If I were still pregnant... Yes, I am still playing that little game in my head.

If I were still pregnant I would be 23 weeks into my pregnancy with Caleb. He would be big and strong enough now that we would be able to see his movements from the outside! That is something I was HUGELY looking forward too and miss so very very much.

I know from past pregnancy losses that the first year is the hardest. So many missed milestones, so many things you planned for that will never come to fruition. And along the way as the years pass you will also have thoughts about what your child would be like if they were still here, all those years later. They don't come as frequently, but they do still come. I imagine that with Caleb those moments will come far more frequently and pack a bit of a whallup, since we were so advanced into the pregnancy when he died. Losing a baby you see, touch, and smell is so vastly different than losing a baby who's body never developed properly and whom you never met.

Last night during the potluck dinner after church I scooped up baby Hosea. Hosea was born the morning of Caleb's funeral and I love holding him. I don't pretend that he's mine, but it just feels so good to hold a soft warm little baby in my arms. I need that reminder that pregnancies often have very good outcomes with full term healthy babies.

However I found out later that it was much to much for my Super Hubbie to handle. It was one of the very few times he's shared his heart over Caleb's death with me. That's been hard on me, but I respect that he grieves so differently from me. I don't want to force him into my bubble, but at the same time I don't want to alienate him either. It's such a fine line and I never know when I should cross it and when I should just leave it alone.

Later when we were alone in bed he took me in his arms and told me that he just couldn't watch me with that baby. It was too hard. And then today he put up a new picture up on his computer wall paper downstairs. It is a picture that I've never seen before, of me holding brand new Sarah shortly after she was born. His wife, snuggling his baby with all of the love in her heart. That was the first time he had ever experienced that, and despite his hesitancy to get to emotionally invested in Caleb's pregnancy I know he was looking forward to that again. That soft warm ball of sweet smelling milkiness that looks a lot like him and a little bit like me... Because we made him...

I want that. I want that so bad. I want it period, but mostly I want it with Caleb. I want those moments after the family members have all left the hospital, and the staff has left us alone... when my precious husband has passed out beside me from exhaustion and it's finally just me and my babe - the two of us face to face with no one else interfering. Gazing into each other's eyes, feeling the warmth of each other... falling asleep together, me to the sound of his soft breathing and he to the familiar drumming of my heart.

I wonder what Gene thought when he woke up that first morning after Sarah had been born and saw his wife there with his baby cradled to her bare chest... I wonder what he thinks about when he thinks of what our world would have been like with Caleb in it. What was he looking forward to? What is he missing? How often does he think of Caleb, and the other babies he's lost?

Lord, comfort my sweet husband's heart.

5 weeks post partum, a birth, and an anniversary...

"Who else has held the oceans in his hand? Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers? Who else knows the weight of the earth or has weighed the mountains and hills on a scale? Who is able to advise the Spirit of the Lord? Who knows enough to give Him advice or teach him? Has the Lord ever needed anyone’s advice? Does He need instruction about what is good? Did someone teach Him what is right or show Him the path of justice?"

~ Isaiah 40:12-14

Day 32: My little bit of happy - my new camera!!!!!!


Dear Caleb,

Yesterday marked 5 weeks since you were born. And yesterday your cousin Collette Marie was born. You and she were to have grown up side by side, cousins so close in age. When Sarah, Ian, and Collette are at play my mind will always think of the little boy who should be there in the mix of them. Especially when Ian tires of their girly activities and wishes for someone to have great boy adventures with.

Today is your Uncle Isaiah's birthday. Unlike with you we know the exact day that he died, for he died shortly before he was born. Two boys born into the same family, at relatively the same gestation so many years apart and for such very different reasons. February 13, 1986 rocked my world so hard it almost shattered me. And I was only 9 years old. That was my first in a series of lessons on the brevity and fragility of life.

Are there birthdays in Heaven? Somehow I doubt that. Eternal, glorified, bodies don't age. And time in Heaven is not as time is here. And yet I have to wonder what you all did up there today. Was there any kind of marking on this monumental day? The day that your Uncle Isaiah received his crown of life? But I suppose every day is a day of celebration - every day in Heaven commerates the arrival of more and more people.

"When we all... get to Heaven... what a day of rejoicing that will be..."

Love,
~ Mama

At night His song is with me...

"Deep calls to deep in the roar of Your waterfalls; all Your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the LORD directs His love, at night His song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life."

~Psalm 42:7,8

Day 33: My little bit of happy - the boys FINALLY finished cleaning their bedroom and the mess they made in the basement.

Dear Caleb,

It's funny how some days I feel more disappointment than sorrow, while other days the sorrow just grows and grows and grows as the day goes on. I think all of this snow has a lot to do with it. We keep getting snowed in leaving me with a lot of time on my hands. Time on my hands means that my mind drifts to you and settles there. On these days I become undistractably focused on my loss.

On Monday night, your daddy was home. Because of all the snow he's been stuck at the hospital for pretty much all of this past week, but on Monday he was able to come home and sleep in his own bed and spend time with his family. Except of course with you. There will always be that missing spot where you belong. That night after I put the kids to bed your daddy and I were downstairs watching TV together and I was doing laundry so he would have clean clothes to take with him the following day when he would have to go back to work.

The mundaneness of it, the normality of it, distracted me from my loss long enough to briefly forget. Just long enough for it to come back and slap me across the face.

I stood up from the couch to go check on the dryer and stopped to listen to something that was being said on the TV. And then as I turned to leave the room I stretched, reaching both of my arms up into the air. And when they came back down I instinctively reached to rub them around my belly. When my hands reached for you, there was no happy round baby bump. You aren't there any more.

You'd think that after all this time I would be used to it.
I need this snow to melt so I can visit your grave.

Empty,
~ Mommy

I want to hold the boy...

"He decided how hard the winds should blow and how much rain should fall. He made the laws for the rain and laid out a path for the lightning. Then He saw wisdom and evaluated it. He set it in place and examined it thoroughly."

~ Job 28:25-27

Day 32: My little bit of happy - waking up next to my Super Hubbie this morning... because of his work schedule that is a special treat!

Caleb,

It's the middle of the night. All your brothers and sisters here are sleeping and your daddy is at work. I of course am surfing the internet reading all about pregnancy complications that lead to fetal death.

I do this for a few reasons. Part of it is just a natural normal grief process. There is a need to make sense of such a horribly traumatic event. Truly there are very few things in this fallen world worse than holding your child's lifeless body in your arms.

I also feel like I owe it to you. Not just to you, but also to your brothers and sisters who went to Heaven before you did. I feel like I owe it to my children, my siblings and their children. What is happening in my body that caused this to happen to you.

If this was preventable, I need to know that. If there is something genetic floating around in me that is causing this that I might have passed on to your sisters, we need to know that. If it's something that one of my brothers will pass on to their daughters... etc, etc, etc.... we need to know that. Because knowledge is power.

I have this awful sinking feeling that your death was completely preventable. If my doctor had ordered that one componenet to the thrombo panel in 2006 that she missed maybe we would know something we don't and I would have been on blood thinners. My primary care doctor ordered it and I should have the results back any day now. She also refered me to a genetic specialist... something else that should have been done back in 2006 when we lost Hope.

And yet, I believe in a God who says that He knew the number of your days before even one of them came to be. Before you were ever conceived (and oh the love with which you were made... I wish you could have stayed here to see how much I love and respect your daddy!) God knew that your life wouldn't be a day longer than it was. It was no surprise to Him that your heart stopped beating at 17 weeks. It was no surprise to Him that your body was born so tiny and lifeless. He planned it. All of this was according to GOD's wisdom and plan.

Even before I was born He knew that I would be your mommy. He knew that we would love you with all our hearts and do everything we could to protect you and take care of you, He knew that even after experiencing so much loss before that I would embrace you with my whole heart, holding nothing back for fear of pain.

Truly, to think we could have prevented your death is arrogance. To think that we can out move God.

I believe that God had many plans for your short life here. When Hope died was when for the first time in my reproductive life that a doctor has taken me seriously about my fertility and pregnancy issues. And with your death I am finally being taken seriously for the first time in my post pubescent life about my life long health concerns. Maybe because you died I will finally find the answer.

None of this is a maybe to God. He already knows and He is waiting for me to climb up into His arms and let Him carry the burden. And of course like Sarah does at nap time, I am resisting.

As I sit here reading stories of other mothers who's babies died before or during birth I long to go find you... to pick you up and hold you close to me. It makes me want to give you such a big hug, and never ever let go.

Someday...
~ Mommy

A month of sorrows...

"What can we bring to the Lord? What kind of offerings should we give Him?"

~ Micah 6:6a

Day 30: My little bit of happy - hanging out in bed all day.

Dearest Caleb-Boy,

Your soul has been gone for an entire month. One month ago today we found out you had died.

Tomorrow is the one month anniversary of your birth. But you will never be one month old. You are ageless, and my heart breaks over and over again.

On this day a month ago I still carried you within me - I went to bed for the last time with you in my belly. I wrapped my hand around the melon sized ball that was your cozy little room and tried with all my might to feel you move. I desperately wanted it all to be a bad dream and for you to suddenly spring back to life. Yet not once did I ask God. I doubt I will ever understand why I didn't.

I realized last night as I was falling asleep that that bit of placenta that came out of me last night was a little piece of you. As gross as it is, it actually brought me a tiny bit of comfort. All this time I've been carrying a part of you with me. Last night I touched a part of you... the part that may have completely failed you in some kind of cruel joke.

If you were still alive, tomorrow would be week 22.

My belly would be quite obvious and I would feel you moving all the time. If you were still here I would know your personality, where your sweet spot in my belly was, and when you get sleepy. I would be looking at all the cute baby boy clothes and trying to find a way to justify spending money on them when I already have lots of baby boy clothes. I would play music to you every night while I slept, and I would rub your back and talk to you... calling you by your name. Caleb, sweet baby Caleb.

I grieve the things I'll never do with you. I grieve the birth I had dreamed... where you would be placed on my chest and I would comfort your tears. I would speak words of love and comfort to you and you would stop crying because my voice and my heart beating beneath your head would be your anchor in this new and unfamiliar world. I would offer you my breast and you would suckle both to bring yourself comfort, but also nourishment. And we would lay there, we two, in a world all our own. Skin to skin, flesh to flesh. Both of our bodies warm, our faces close, connecting on all those levels that only a mom and her boy can ever know.

Oh baby bear... If only there were something I could have done different. Some way I could have sheltered you and protected you. My arms and my heart ache. I long to feel your head snuggled up beneath my chin, your bottom in one hand, and the other stroking your head... your back... touching your ear and cheek before slipping my finger into your hand.

How I miss my baby boy and all the plans we made.

Love,
~ Mama

Visitor From Heaven

Twila Paris

A visitor from Heaven

If only for a while

A gift of love to be returned

We think of you and smile

A visitor from Heaven

Accompanied by grace

Reminding of a better love

of a better place

With aching hearts and empty arms

We send you with a name

It hurts so much to let you go

But we’re so glad you came

We’re so glad you came

A visitor from Heaven

If only for a day

We thank Him for the time He gave

And now it’s time to say

We trust you to the Father’s love

And to His tender care

Held in the everlasting arms

And we’re so glad you’re there

We’re so glad you’re there

With breaking hearts and open hands

We send you with a name

It hurts so much to let you go

But we’re so glad you came

We’re so glad you came

This is gross, disgusting, and contains visual aids... you have been warned!

I know what you're thinking. You are clamping your hands over your eyes and yelling TMI while running to the toilet to throw up.

So why in the world am I posting such graphic information, complete with pictures, on my blog?

The answer to that is simple. I am recording my journey not just as an emotional outlet for myself, but in hopes that those who come after me will find it and be ministered to. Hopefully someone else will read this and breath a huge sigh of relief with the realization that, "hey, I'm not alone! It happened to her too!"

I've been whining (though trust me, not nearly as much as I wanted to) all week about having started my period. My post partum bleeding was finally tapering off and coming to an end, but on Tuesday noticed it had turned red and began to gradually increase. I had thought I ovulated 5 days before and was expecting my period to start yesterday, but having a history of short luteal phases it really wasn't surprising that it would start so early.

Over the course of the week I noticed that my bleeding seemed to vascillate between almost non existant and heavier than my post partum bleeding had been. I found this odd, but didn't think too much of it. The weirdest part was that it kept increasing and gaining strength, not at all like the normal pattern my periods follow. Usually I have a light day with heavy cramping followed by 2 heavy days with very little cramping and 2-4 more days of very light bleeding with no cramping. That was not at all what my body was doing, but I chalked it up to the fact that it was my first post partum period and my hormones were still a bit wonky.

As of about an hour ago, I am no longer so sure it was ever a period to begin with.

Starting yesterday the cramps became very strong, much like the debilitating cramps of my teen year. My flow was light and I would experience a gush here and there. I noticed yesterday that I had gone through 2 pads that day, when throughout my 3 weeks of post partum bleeding I had never needed more than one. I found it a bit odd, but really didn't think to much of it. I had a couple of episodes of a sharp stabbing pain in an isolated area. It took my breath away, but subsided and did not return. I get weird pains like that from time to time so I blew it off.

And then today I had very little bleeding but really intense cramps. I had to practically sit on my fingers to keep myself from making it a facebook status and nearly emailed my mom and a good friend about it. I was that miserable. I found it really odd that the cramps were so strong when I was hardly bleeding and kept thinking about getting up and taking some ibuprophen for them but was feeling lazy and didn't feel like getting up. The pain was very similar to my miscarriage with Hope in where I was feeling them, but they were cramps rather than the true contractions and labor pattern that I had with her.

As I was putting Sarah to bed tonight my dad called me. In the first 5 minutes of the conversation I felt a small gush, which was odd because I was using my menstral cup rather than a pad (4 weeks straight of wearing a diaper gets really old!). It was VERY odd that this would happen so I ran to the bathroom to empty it and check things and discovered a TON of bright bright red very watery blood. This did NOT look like menstral blood at all. I looked in the toilet and sure enough there was a HUGE clot in there. I quickly and discreetly got my dad off the phone and fished it out of the toilet. As I looked through the clot (or rather cluster of clots) my suspicions were confirmed - a chunk of placenta the size of my thumb.

Hmmm... I had already passed a much bigger chunk of placenta the day after Caleb was born. That one was the length of my hand and the width of half of my hand. I took that one to the doctor's office with me. This one, too, is residing in a ziplock in my fridge in case the doctor requests an audience with it.

Oh, but first I had to take a couple of pictures of it as proof (and I'm posting them too!). Because, this happened to a friend of mine and I'm not sure I would believe me. Ok, that's not the only reasone. The main reason is because I know somewhere some woman will have "something" come out of her after having a baby and she's going to wonder if it's a piece of placenta. Now she'll have something to compare it too. Yeah google!

Now I'm wondering how much placenta is still inside me. And what they are going to do to make sure it's all out.

Teeny Little Super Guy...

When Elijah was a tiny baby I used to call him my Teeny Little Super Guy.

When my nephew, Ian, was a little baby I called him the Teeny Little Super Guy as well.

I just realized I'll never be able to do that with Caleb. Who really will always be my Teeny Little Super Guy.

4 weeks post partum, and I want off this ride!

"Satisfy us each morning with Your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives. Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good. Let us, Your servants, see You work again; let our children see Your glory. And may the Lord our God show us His approval and make our efforts successful. Yes, make our efforts successful!"

~ Psalm 90:14-17

Day 29: My little bit of happy - the big pot of chili I made. And the beautiful fresh snow.

Dear Caleb,

I've been thinking a lot about the last two days you were still inside of me. About a week after you were born I realized that I never asked God to bring you back. I stopped asking Him to save you once we saw your heartbeat, trusting that what was would be. Even in my doubts I walked firm in my faith that surely I was worrying needlessly and that you would be fine. After we saw that your heart had stopped beating it never even occurred to me to ask God to breathe new life into you. We had the second sonogram because we knew that God could have done a miracle, but while we were hopeful we (or at least I) really didn't expect one.

Why didn't I ask for one? I have been thinking about this a lot. Is it because my faith in God was so weak that I didn't believe He would grant me my request? Or is it because my faith in God was so secure that I trusted Him whatever the outcome? Perhaps it had nothing to do with faith at all.

It's funny how my emotions are all over the place. And I don't mean funny "ha ha", rather funny "peculiar". I can be perfectly fine one minute, and moments later wish I could just crawl into bed and bawl my eyes out. I can be perfectly functional and then all of a sudden want nothing more than to crawl into my bed and hide from life. From the world. From my responsibilities.

I have been in such a funk this week. Some of it is grief, some of it is hormones. I have never hated having a period so much as I do right now. For one thing I never got a break between my post partum bleeding and my first post partum period. At this point I am "bloody" sick of it. (Bet you didn't know your mommy had such a corny sense of humor, did you?!) But worst of all, I'm not "supposed" to be having periods! My uterus is supposed to be cradling a sweet sweet little boy, not trying to provide a home for someone else!!!

While it is true that the pain is slowly but certainly "softening", I also seem to miss you more each day. As time passes it brings more "would haves". We are getting close to the time when the rest of the family "would have" been able to feel you move within me. How I looked forward to watching my belly contort as you stretched and rolled! I'll never be able to feel your knees and elbows, or tell anyone where your tiny bum is.

Part of me looks forward to spring when I can get more sunshine and be more active. But! Spring also brings me closer to the things I began hoping for the moment I found out you were here. As the days let longer, the sky a bit clearer, and the air a bit warmer they will carry me closer and closer to the days when I thought I would be holding you in my arms.

I want to watch you grow and learn. I want to diaper your little bottom and nibble on your neck. I want to blow on your fat belly and make you laugh. I want to snuggle you close in the sling. I want to carry you about with me as I go about my life so the world can see what a fine boy your daddy and I have made.

Oh sweet boy... I so wish you were here with me!

Loving You,
~ Mommy

You can add this to the list of things that suck...

Yes, I said suck. Any word with less strength to it just does not convey the depth of the situation.

Being that we found out on Sarah's birthday that Caleb had died, her birthday got kind of shoved under the rug. It wasn't until tonight that we finally did her cake and presents.

Because I wrote notes in her books and wrapped the presents the night before her birthday 4 weeks ago and had done my best not to think to much about it I'd forgotten about one of the books wrapped with the others.

When she opened it and I saw it my heart just sank. I grabbed it out of the pile and put it in the box of Caleb's things.

Finally, a doctor who listens...

"You guided my conception and formed me in the womb. You clothed me with skin and flesh, and You knit my bones and sinews together. You gave me life and showed me Your unfailing love. My life was preserved by Your care."

~ Job 10:10-12

Day 28: My little bit of happy - succesful doctor's appointment!!!

I had an appointment today with my primary care doctor. I am beyond frustrated with this shell I am forced to live in, with no explanation as to why it is so faulty and broken. Well, no explanation from a human, medical, perspective.

My body is a prime example of the weight of sin on this world. I've not had a day in my life where I didn't have an open sore somewhere on my body. I've suffered with chronic pain for more than 15 years now. When I started having babies I added my teeth to the list of parts of my body that failed me grieviously. And of course no one can find a real concrete answer for why I've lost so many babies.

So finally I had had enough. I walked into my doctors office and laid it all out to her and said, "this is what I want to be tested for." In all of my years pre Kaiser I was blown off by doctors. Sometimes Kaiser gets a bad name, but has definately been in the top 10 list of the best things to ever happen to me. The doctors I have seen have listened to me. They have not hesistated to run tests and dig into my medical situation. Grantedhe, I have my 7 dead babies to thank for that. This is just not normal and makes doctors finally pay attention and listen!

So, today I had 20 vials of blood drawn for a total of 24 tests. And I also received a referal to a geneticist to pursue a possible Ehlers-Danlos diagnosis. If not that, hopefully I will finally walk away with SOME kind of diagnosis to validate all I've been through with this frail body of mine in the last 30+ years. I'm really not holding my breath as I've thought we were close a time or two before, but wouldn't that be wonderful?! Even if they can't *do* anything for me, it would be so nice just to have an explanation.

I can't even imagine...

"I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!” The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord."

~ Lamentations 3:20-26

Day 27: My little bit of happy - visiting Caleb's grave after being kept away for a whole week.

I try, but I can't.

I close my eyes and I try to imagine him alive in my arms. The warmth of him. The smell of him. The silkiness of his head. His breath against my neck.

But I can't. The essence of him elludes me. He died too soon. He died before I could feel enough of his movements to identify his personlity. He died before the brand new hair follicles on his head began to sprout hair. He never felt the fullness of air in his lungs. His voice never rang out to announce discomfort or pleasure. I never held him to my breast while he drank his full before passing out in a milk coma. He never curled his toes as I stroked his foot or wrapped his hand around my finger.

Who are you sweet boy? Are you hyper and outgoing or calm and laid back? Is your hair blond or brown, with a hint of red like your sister? Are you a snuggler or do you prefer to be left alone? How long would your eyes stay blue? Would people have commented on what a big moose of a boy you were, or would you be small? Which one of your big brothers would you have idolized, following and copying their every move?

I can't even imagine these things.

When I close my eyes and think of Caleb all I get are memories of a tiny boy with cold, clamy, fragile skin. Open unseeing eyes, and a gaping mouth. The most perfect hands and feet you've ever seen on arms and legs with amazingly defined muscles. Brand new eyebrows and brand new hair folicles. A snowy white line where he'd been choked by his cord - that which brought him life also brought him death.

And he was cold. He was so cold. And oddly enough, even being at room temperature, his body just kept getting colder. During our time at the hospital he was never refridgerated. His body sat in the room just as ours did, unprotected in the open. We never wrapped him up until it was time to go. I just couldn't. I didn't want the blanket to cling to him (turns out it never did - I think the liquids from his body in the blanket kept him from sticking to it) but more than that I wanted to see every bit of him.

Every part of him was so perfect and marvelous I just couldn't cover any of them up!

And then my mind moves to Heaven. I wonder what his glorified body is like. I wonder who he has met. I wonder if he knows how loved and missed he is. I saw a quote recently that said, "Lord, I wanted to take my son on my knee and tell him about You. Since I can't do that, will You please tell him about me?!" Does Jesus walk with Caleb Enoch? Does He tell him about the family here who misses him? Does he know about the mommy who loves him so fiersly?!

I know this: the Creator of the Universe holds my son in His hands. Hands that are so big that they carry me too.

A shattered heart kind of day...

"If a man dies, will he live again? All the days of my hard service I will wait for my renewal to come. You will call and I will answer You; You will long for the creature Your hands have made. Surely then You will count my steps but not keep track of my sin."

~ Job 14:14-16

Day 26: My little bit of happy - today is a hard one. It's a toss up between the comfort of my bed and fruit by the foot.

Today was both a bad day and a not so bad day.

Actually, it started out as a really good day. I started out feeling so positive, so thankful for the GRACE the Lord has shown to Caleb and thankful that I have a clear understanding that while I may be frustrated by my circumstance, God does not owe me anything. This morning I felt awed and honored that God saw fit to trust me with this task.

But then the day wore on, and my flesh began to take over and my heart became increasingly heavy.

My mind has been so full and heavy with trying to figure out WHY CALEB DIED!!! I am the type of personality who must come to the WHY of a thing before she can rest easy in it.

When Caleb was born it seemed so simple and so obvious. He died of an incredibly rare tragic cord accident. But my doctor insists this is not possible.

Ok then. So what killed my son?! Was there something physically, structurally, wrong with him? Was the body God designed for him incompatible with earthly life? We will never ever know the answer to that unless his karyotype shows something. Did Caleb die because of something that happened in my body? Was it preventable? Can we prevent this from happening again?

And what if it does happen again. That is and always will be a very real and distinct possibility. Even healthy babies that come home from the hospital die suddenly and tragically.

I regret choosing not to do the NTT (nuchal translucancy test). Not because of what we might have learned about Caleb leading up to his death, but because it would have afforded me one last oppurtunity to gaze at my son while his body was still living. We chose not to because the company that Kaiser uses to do them are big on aborting "imperfect" babies and we didn't want to give them our business. It was a matter of principal. I asked my doctor if there was anything that test could tell us that we would need to know in order to help us plan for a safe delivery if it ws bad and she said no, so we chose not to do it.

Ironic isn't it, that 15 minutes after signing a waiver declining the triple quad screen we found out it was a moot point anyway, the baby was dead?!

I am just... emotionally exhuasted is the best way to put it. It's been an entire week since I've been able to visit the grave site. Yes, I know Caleb is NOT THERE. However being able to be there brings me a measure of comfort and relief. Between parenting responsibilities and snow I've not been able to go.

In addition, I feel a certain isolation. Which is funny because I am surrounded by people. But so few people can relate to where I am. To where this road is going to lead the Super Hubbie and I. Because frankly, it's a road that very few people ever travel on.

You can find lots of people who have experienced early pregnancy losses. And there is a huge network of support for people who's babies were born still at term and especially for those who suffer the loss of a baby who was born alive.

Then there are the rest of us, stuck somewhere in the middle. Lumped in with "regular" miscarriages - and trust me, I've been there... this is nothing like that. NOTHING. But at the same time most people don't acknowledge us as parents who have held the cold dead body of a child we loved and eagerly anticipated!

Today has been a day where I just wanted to run away and escape from reality for a little while. I wanted to pamper myself. I wanted to go visit my son's grave.

And on top of all the heavy emotions, I seem to have started a new menstral cycle. So I get no real break between post partum bleeding and menses. Oh. Goody. I hadn't planned on having another period for well over a year - I would have been induced about 16 weeks from now and then it would have been another several months before my cycles returned thanks to breastfeeding.

I want my son back! 21 weeks... that's how far along I am supposed to be. My belly was already quite swollend when Caleb was born - I sorely miss how swollen it would be now, and how active my boy would be if he were still here. I absolutely LOVE feeling my sweet little ones growing and playing inside of me.

I miss these feet... terribly...

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it."

~ Psalm 139:13,14

Each of them were the size of my thumb print...



And each one was perfectly, completely formed. Just like yours or mine in miniature, but without the wear and tear this world brings.


Day 25: My little bit of happy - last night Super Hubbie and I did a thorough cleaning and rearranging of our bedroom.