"Satisfy us each morning with Your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives. Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good. Let us, Your servants, see You work again; let our children see Your glory. And may the Lord our God show us His approval and make our efforts successful. Yes, make our efforts successful!"
~ Psalm 90:14-17
Day 29: My little bit of happy - the big pot of chili I made. And the beautiful fresh snow.
Dear Caleb,
I've been thinking a lot about the last two days you were still inside of me. About a week after you were born I realized that I never asked God to bring you back. I stopped asking Him to save you once we saw your heartbeat, trusting that what was would be. Even in my doubts I walked firm in my faith that surely I was worrying needlessly and that you would be fine. After we saw that your heart had stopped beating it never even occurred to me to ask God to breathe new life into you. We had the second sonogram because we knew that God could have done a miracle, but while we were hopeful we (or at least I) really didn't expect one.
Why didn't I ask for one? I have been thinking about this a lot. Is it because my faith in God was so weak that I didn't believe He would grant me my request? Or is it because my faith in God was so secure that I trusted Him whatever the outcome? Perhaps it had nothing to do with faith at all.
It's funny how my emotions are all over the place. And I don't mean funny "ha ha", rather funny "peculiar". I can be perfectly fine one minute, and moments later wish I could just crawl into bed and bawl my eyes out. I can be perfectly functional and then all of a sudden want nothing more than to crawl into my bed and hide from life. From the world. From my responsibilities.
I have been in such a funk this week. Some of it is grief, some of it is hormones. I have never hated having a period so much as I do right now. For one thing I never got a break between my post partum bleeding and my first post partum period. At this point I am "bloody" sick of it. (Bet you didn't know your mommy had such a corny sense of humor, did you?!) But worst of all, I'm not "supposed" to be having periods! My uterus is supposed to be cradling a sweet sweet little boy, not trying to provide a home for someone else!!!
While it is true that the pain is slowly but certainly "softening", I also seem to miss you more each day. As time passes it brings more "would haves". We are getting close to the time when the rest of the family "would have" been able to feel you move within me. How I looked forward to watching my belly contort as you stretched and rolled! I'll never be able to feel your knees and elbows, or tell anyone where your tiny bum is.
Part of me looks forward to spring when I can get more sunshine and be more active. But! Spring also brings me closer to the things I began hoping for the moment I found out you were here. As the days let longer, the sky a bit clearer, and the air a bit warmer they will carry me closer and closer to the days when I thought I would be holding you in my arms.
I want to watch you grow and learn. I want to diaper your little bottom and nibble on your neck. I want to blow on your fat belly and make you laugh. I want to snuggle you close in the sling. I want to carry you about with me as I go about my life so the world can see what a fine boy your daddy and I have made.
Oh sweet boy... I so wish you were here with me!
Loving You,
~ Mommy
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment