Wonder and amazement...

"For He knows how weak we are; He remembers we are only dust. Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows, and we are gone— as though we had never been here. But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear Him. His salvation extends to the children’s children of those who are faithful to His covenant, of those who obey His commandments!"
~ Psalm 103:14-18

Day 44: My little bit of happy - buying easter outifits for 4 of 5 living children. I just need to get a shirt for Luke and something for me!

Today as The Super Hubbie was preparing to leave for work, our 2 year old daughter watched him with interest. Her incessant chatter brought a smile to both of our faces and much of what she said made us laugh.

As I listened to her and looked past her to her father, the man who holds my heart in the palm of his hand, I couldn't help but marvel. Our love made this miraculous creature! We made her! With God's help of course, but she came from us. I still can hardly believe she is really ours, that she is really here, and that we really get to keep her. At only 2 years old she is already such a remarkable person and I am so filled with awe at the feel of her in my arms, the spark in her eyes, the love in her heart, her wit, the way she so easily wraps her brain around concepts and how quickly she learns things... what an utterly beautiful package God sent her in...

And do you know what? All the shattered pieces of my heart came back together when I first saw Caleb. In that moment all of my grief was put on the back burner as I was so totally consumed with wonder and amazement that this wonderful man and I had made this little boy. This spectacularly tiny little creature was ours! He came from our love and my body grew and nurtured him.

He never saw the light of day, he never said anything funny or displayed an advanced intellect. I never saw him smile, he never clung to me when he was hurt. In the eyes of the rest of the world he never amounted to anything.

Yet he was just as remarkable and amazing as his sisters and brothers. Maybe more so, for his short life is bound to reach more hearts than theirs will. Without ever saying a word, without a glance, without taking a single step. He is amazing.

His body was perfect. Every branch of every vein, every bone, ever hair folicle perfectly placed. The shape of his muscles showed the delight he took in dancing in my womb. The last time I saw Caleb he was dancing. And now he dances in worship before the Lord of Heaven and earth. I bet his eyes sparkle and shine, just like his sister's do. And I bet he laughs because his heart overflows with joy.

I wonder sometimes if he misses us, but that wondering is quickly followed by the deep blessed assurance that being in the presence of Jesus overshadows anything our loved ones feel for those they have left behind. While I do think that Caleb is aware of us and remembers the comfort of his mama I don't think his thoughts fall to us often. He's too busy praising the Lamb that was slain (to Him be the glory and the honor forever, Amen!)!

As much as I miss Caleb, and as heavy as my heart is sometimes, I still feel that sense of awe and wonder about him. I still can't believe he is really ours; that we were so honored and blessed to see him, to hold him, to love him. While having Caleb brought so much heartache, he also brought so much joy. How many other parents have the privaledge of marveling over the miracle of their child's body when it is still so utterly tiny and helpless? I would give anything to have Caleb still here with us today, and I absolutely hate the fact that his dying and being born so early meant losing him.

But at the same time I count it such a privaledge that I got to witness first hand how amazing our children are when they are still so very dependant on their mother's body for life. I have held in my very own hands the evidence of how fragile and in need of protection these little ones are. I kissed his tiny head, held his tiny hands, and stroked his tiny little feet.

How can anyone see such a one and deny God is beyond my comprehension!