Another Monday...

"Because You are my helper, I sing for joy in the shadow of Your wings. I cling to You; Your strong right hand holds me securely."

~ Psalm 63:7,8

Day 34: My little bit of happy - sleeping in, but still getting a lot accomplished today.

If I were still pregnant... Yes, I am still playing that little game in my head.

If I were still pregnant I would be 23 weeks into my pregnancy with Caleb. He would be big and strong enough now that we would be able to see his movements from the outside! That is something I was HUGELY looking forward too and miss so very very much.

I know from past pregnancy losses that the first year is the hardest. So many missed milestones, so many things you planned for that will never come to fruition. And along the way as the years pass you will also have thoughts about what your child would be like if they were still here, all those years later. They don't come as frequently, but they do still come. I imagine that with Caleb those moments will come far more frequently and pack a bit of a whallup, since we were so advanced into the pregnancy when he died. Losing a baby you see, touch, and smell is so vastly different than losing a baby who's body never developed properly and whom you never met.

Last night during the potluck dinner after church I scooped up baby Hosea. Hosea was born the morning of Caleb's funeral and I love holding him. I don't pretend that he's mine, but it just feels so good to hold a soft warm little baby in my arms. I need that reminder that pregnancies often have very good outcomes with full term healthy babies.

However I found out later that it was much to much for my Super Hubbie to handle. It was one of the very few times he's shared his heart over Caleb's death with me. That's been hard on me, but I respect that he grieves so differently from me. I don't want to force him into my bubble, but at the same time I don't want to alienate him either. It's such a fine line and I never know when I should cross it and when I should just leave it alone.

Later when we were alone in bed he took me in his arms and told me that he just couldn't watch me with that baby. It was too hard. And then today he put up a new picture up on his computer wall paper downstairs. It is a picture that I've never seen before, of me holding brand new Sarah shortly after she was born. His wife, snuggling his baby with all of the love in her heart. That was the first time he had ever experienced that, and despite his hesitancy to get to emotionally invested in Caleb's pregnancy I know he was looking forward to that again. That soft warm ball of sweet smelling milkiness that looks a lot like him and a little bit like me... Because we made him...

I want that. I want that so bad. I want it period, but mostly I want it with Caleb. I want those moments after the family members have all left the hospital, and the staff has left us alone... when my precious husband has passed out beside me from exhaustion and it's finally just me and my babe - the two of us face to face with no one else interfering. Gazing into each other's eyes, feeling the warmth of each other... falling asleep together, me to the sound of his soft breathing and he to the familiar drumming of my heart.

I wonder what Gene thought when he woke up that first morning after Sarah had been born and saw his wife there with his baby cradled to her bare chest... I wonder what he thinks about when he thinks of what our world would have been like with Caleb in it. What was he looking forward to? What is he missing? How often does he think of Caleb, and the other babies he's lost?

Lord, comfort my sweet husband's heart.