I want the sunset years...

My husband is desperately unwell.  I don't think anyone but me really knows how bad it is.  It has gotten to the point where it is beginning to frighten us both. He has a condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia, which is a severely painful nerve condition where the the Trigeminal Nerve fires a pain signal at full tilt several times a day.  Some days it first for hours on end with no relief in sight.  When relief does come, he finds himself fearfully bracing for the next one.

The pain has caused his already high blood pressure to run away like a freight train.  It has been at stroke levels for a few weeks now, despite being on multiple medications to bring it back under control.  The problem is, there isn't really anything that can be done for the pain except for surgery (which is schedule for next month!).  He takes a medication that helps to minimize the number of times the nerve fires, but it is no longer working as well as it once was.  Narcotics not only don't help, they actually make things worse.

He is only ten years younger than his mom was when she died of a hemorrhagic stroke.  And I'm terrified.  And so desperately sad.  Figuring out how I will support and continue to raise our children without him is the easy part...  it's the living without my best friend that causes me to weep.  I can't imagine going a day without his laughter, or the comfort of his embrace.  Please God, don't take him.  Not yet.  Not for a long time.  I want to grow old with him.  I want to know what it is like to focus more on being his wife than on the needs of very small children.  I want him to watch our little guys grow up, and see him hold their babies.  I can't even bear the thought of our family being without him.

I married for love.  Pure and simple.  And all of these years later, with all the stresses of having babies, losing babies, and dealing with angry rebellious teenagers I love him still.  I love him more.