In The Potter's Hands, Experiencing God day 3...

Day 49: My little bit of happy ~ snuggling Hosea to sleep during church.

Tonight's Bible study lesson was so convicting. This actually comes as a relief to me. My initial impression of this Bible study was that for me it would be more milk than meat, but my position on that is that even the most mature Christian needs some milk once in a while. It's good to constantly review and simmer in what God has taught us so we wont rot.

I have been a rotting Christian in a lot of ways. I have allowed the stresses and exhaustion of parenting all of these children to interfere with my walk with God. I have stresses that other mother's don't have... mothering 2 children who I did not meet until they were 8 and 9 years old, as if they were my own. When we married we each suddenly went from 2 kids to 4, none of them babies. And I have stayed home with them full time, fully investing myself in them. It has been lonely, and it has been stressful. There have been days when I felt like the burden of mothering these children was more than I could bear. There have been days when I scared myself with the realization that I could easily walk out the door and never look back, so exhausted and frustrated was I with the job set before me.

All because I was failing to make time for my Lord. "Take My yolk upon you, for My yolk is easy, and My burden is light. I failed to rest in Him. He had brought me so far, and then I foolishly set out to make it on my own apart from Him.

Page 17 of the Experiencing God study declares the following:

My understanding of a servant is depicted by the potter and the clay (see Jer. 18:1-6). The clay must do two things:

1. The clay has to be molded. It has to be responsive to the potter so he can make it into an instrument of his choosing.

2. The clay has to remain in the potter's hand. When the potter has finished making the instrument of his choosing, that instrument has no ability to do what it wants. It has to remain in the potter's hand to be effective. Suppose the potter molds the clay into a cup. The cup has to remain in the potter's hands so he can use that cup the way he chooses.

I did the first. But I failed at the second. Completely and utterly failed. So it is with meekness and humility that I place myself back into my Potter's hands so He can fix the cracks caused by misuse of the vessel He has made, so that He can use me for HIS intended purpose.

"Speak Lord, for Your servant is listening..." ~ 1 Samuel 3:11

Made it through another week...

Day 47: My little bit of happy ~ finding Caleb's balloon!

Friday was Caleb's 7 week "birthday". Today we would have made it to 25 weeks and my boy would be a giant compared to the size he was at birth! It is still so hard to believe we will never bring him home, but this new normal is starting to settle a bit more comfortably with each passing day. There are of course days which are still quite heavy, but I don't cry every day and I don't feel panicky every day.

On our way back home from town that evening I realized that the snow had finally melted away and that I would finally be able to see Caleb's grave again, so I made a quick stop to the cemetary before AWANA. I thought I was going to try to retrieve remnants of the balloon we had placed on his grave, but to my surprise I found it still there, fully inflated. The snow had pushed it over at an odd angle, but hadn't squeezed the air out or popped it! I was beyond thrilled to find it there! So, instead of retrieving the empty balloon to put in Caleb's box I instead righted it and left it there where it belongs. The flowers are still there as well, but they have definately seen better days! I really need to order his marker, but The Super Hubbie and I haven't had a chance down and come to an agreement on what we want.

I saw this little baby outfit last night at Walmart, and it was like a punch in the gut. I wanted to buy it for Caleb. I almost did, just for the satisfaction of doing so, but decided against it.

Today I started a new Bible study with some women at church, and I am very excited about it! We have all been hemming and hawing about starting a Bible study and finally decided to just do it! We are doing Experiencing God, which I've really wanted to do for some time. I have heard only wonderful things about it!

In preparation for doing my first lesson I went out tonight and bought some pens.

I am a total pen snob. There, I said it. I haven't done much in the way of Bible journaling for the past few years because my kids always steal my pens and I will not use regular ole pens. Plus having a baby made it really difficult to sit down with my Bible, a journal, and a pen. But I'm going to start again! I just need to get a journal... kind of forgot that when I was out. I'm hoping the pens I got work out... my favorite pen maker stopped making my favorite pens so I have to find a new favorite. Not cool!!!