I want the sunset years...

My husband is desperately unwell.  I don't think anyone but me really knows how bad it is.  It has gotten to the point where it is beginning to frighten us both. He has a condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia, which is a severely painful nerve condition where the the Trigeminal Nerve fires a pain signal at full tilt several times a day.  Some days it first for hours on end with no relief in sight.  When relief does come, he finds himself fearfully bracing for the next one.

The pain has caused his already high blood pressure to run away like a freight train.  It has been at stroke levels for a few weeks now, despite being on multiple medications to bring it back under control.  The problem is, there isn't really anything that can be done for the pain except for surgery (which is schedule for next month!).  He takes a medication that helps to minimize the number of times the nerve fires, but it is no longer working as well as it once was.  Narcotics not only don't help, they actually make things worse.

He is only ten years younger than his mom was when she died of a hemorrhagic stroke.  And I'm terrified.  And so desperately sad.  Figuring out how I will support and continue to raise our children without him is the easy part...  it's the living without my best friend that causes me to weep.  I can't imagine going a day without his laughter, or the comfort of his embrace.  Please God, don't take him.  Not yet.  Not for a long time.  I want to grow old with him.  I want to know what it is like to focus more on being his wife than on the needs of very small children.  I want him to watch our little guys grow up, and see him hold their babies.  I can't even bear the thought of our family being without him.

I married for love.  Pure and simple.  And all of these years later, with all the stresses of having babies, losing babies, and dealing with angry rebellious teenagers I love him still.  I love him more.

"Though you are little..."

"Though you are little..."

“But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah,
Though you are little among the thousands of Judah,
Yet out of you shall come forth to Me
The One to be Ruler in Israel,
Whose goings forth are from of old,
From everlasting.” ~ Micah 5:2

There's something that I love about this verse.  It is a very simple verse with a lot of depth.  It announces the coming of our Savior, but that isn't what calls out to me exactly.  "Though you are little..."  It reminds me of God's selection of David to replace Saul as King.  "...The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them."  (1 Samuel 16:7).  It resounds in me because I am little - little in stature, little in position...  I don't have much to offer people that they actually want, but still God can bring something forth out of me.  Amazing!

For better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

I didn't even realize this blog was still here, intact.  I'm thrilled that it is.  I want to move back to this space, but that will take a little bit of doing.  I miss the community that blogspot has to offer.  The loss of the community here was not something I expected to lose when I moved to a stand alone blog.
It's September with October right around the corner.  Late September always makes me feel nostalgic, at least for the last decade (and a little more).  I love to think back to what God was orchestrating in my life back in 2004.  Newly divorced, I had just ended my first relationship.  And I was fasting from the internet, spending great time in prayer about where God was leading me and asking Him to give me wisdom and clarity, prayer for the man I hadn't yet met but knew would be my forever husband.  My true love, my soul mate, my very best friend.

And for most of that month there was an email waiting for me.  Unread.  Unanticipated.  Uncertain.

And it was him.  The one whose life would join with mine.  The one who would become the father of my fatherless children.  The one who would hold me as I wept over our dead babies.  The one who would make me laugh in the darkest deepest heart ache.

Twelve years.  No regrets.  I am even more enamored with him than when we first met, even more excited for our future...  even more scared that there will never be enough days to love him.  But love him I do.  The ebb and flow of love in a healthy marriage has become one of my favorite things;  for when the feelings are low and life is mundane, I know that those days of butterflies and flip flopping heart are around the corner.  And I appreciate and enjoy those days so immensely much.

Twelve years.  Blended family.  Teenagers.  Dead babies.  Nursing babes, co-sleeping, toddlers, preschoolers homeschooling... Long days away from each other.  Severe health issues.  And he still makes my heart skip a beat.  He was something when I met him, but the man he has grown into through our years of marriage sometimes takes my breath away.  For better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

Thank You, God.  Thank You, thank You, thank You for healing my broken road and giving me a lover and a friend that I enjoy sharing life with.  Bless him and keep him safe.