Moving again...

My blog is moving. You can now find me at:

www.calebsministry.com

See you there!!!

The dreaded question...

"I pray to You, O Lord, my rock. Do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if You are silent, I might as well give up and die. Listen to my prayer for mercy as I cry out to You for help, as I lift my hands toward Your holy sanctuary."

~ Psalm 28:1,2

Day 84: Field trip to the Marine Corp Museum with friends, and a picnic. Then a trip to the river as a family and dinner at McD's.

Yesterday at the end of my teenager's baseball practice, one of the moms arrived to pick up her son. She had her other children with her, all within relative ages of my own. This is a family that goes to AWANA at our church, so our kids know each other but she and I had never met.

And she asked me *that* question.

"How many children do you have?"

I answered, "I have 5 living children."

I didn't think there was a harder question, until she asked it.

She asked me how old my youngest is.

And I kind of choked. Part of me wanted to tell her about the sweet little boy I carried, birthed, and buried. But then I would shock her and have to comfort her, and I really didn't feel like getting into all that. So I simply left my Caleb out, and pointed to Sarah and said she is 2. Oh, the guilt that filled my soul! I feel as if I betrayed Caleb by not telling her about him.

Resurrection Sunday and Caleb

“...I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in Me will live, even after dying. Everyone who lives in Me and believes in Me will never ever die. Do you believe this..."
~John 11:25,26

Day 80: My little bit of happy ~ doing nothing all day except watching a movie with my kids, running to the grocery store alone with my Super Hubbie, and making the kiddos dinner.

Tomorrow is easter, and it is holding a special meaning for me this year.

It's funny how Caleb's death has such a bigger impact on me than my other babies. Probably because I never saw their faces, held their bodies, or felt them move inside of me, etc. I bonded with them, yes. Or rather the idea of them. I bonded with the pregnancy, but not the person that they were. I never knew them. But Caleb, I knew Caleb. And I long for Caleb far deeper than I have ever longed for them. If you're wondering, yes I feel guilty. Feel free to stand in judgement, as I stand in judgement over myself. But the truth of the matter is, late losses are a whole different ball game from early losses.

Lately, I've been taking time to intenionally close my eyes and visit Caleb in my memory. I spend so much time pushing him out in order to function as a wife and mother. I want to keep him here, to keep him real. I want him to be forever in my todays rather than relegating him to my yesterdays and leaving him there.

So whenever I have a chance, I go back. If possible I close my eyes. And I picture him.

I picture him alive and bouncing inside of me. I remember those days when I felt his gentle bumps and how I would enjoy them each night as I went to bed and would lay there each morning waiting for them.

I remember how we found him so still and tightly curled up at the bottom of my womb the day we discovered he had died. I remember how that night I lay in my bed willing him to move. I remember the horror of registering for L&D at only a few days shy of 18 weeks, the dread of walking up to the floor, and the relief that they were waiting for me and I didn't have to explain why I was there.

I remember the moment I felt him slip out of my womb, the moment I ushered him forth with one big mighty push before anyone could have the chance to stop me. I remember my mom telling me he was a boy, and my first glimpse of my very limp a deteriorated but absolutely perfect little boy. I remember the pictures we took, and how we marveled at how perfectly he was formed. His eyebrows and the hair folicles on his head. How the shape of his body was a tiny mirror image of his daddy's. I remember how cold he was, and how fragile. I remember how his hands and feet felt to my fingers, and how intricate they were.

I remember the anguish of my heart when he was taken from me, 17 hours after he was born. I remember how I had to force myself to put his tiny body in his little casket, because I couldn't bear for anyone else to do it. I remember how my heart broke as my husband carried his casket out to the car so we could take him to be buried. And how I came back to the cemetary alone a few hours later and knelt at his grave and sobbed my heart out.

A few weeks ago a friend gave me a necklace to honor and rememer Caleb by. It has his 3 stones (conception month - September, birth month - January, and due date month - June... I actually have a physical reaction within myself when ever I think of these months in relation to Caleb as it makes me want to both sob and throw up), butterfly, a forever circle, and a heart with his name engraved. I decided to hang it from my rear view mirror in my van so that the whole family can share it and so that we can carry his memory with us wherever we go. I love seeing it dangling there as I'm driving and in a way it is almost like having the 6 of them together, though I know they aren't and don't really believe in any way that they are. It is purely commemorative.

On this night before Easter, I'm thinking a lot about what Easter means for those who are in Christ. How it is because of this resurrection that one day too my Caleb will be resurrected. When I see my Jesus face to face, Caleb and wont be far behind. And he will finally be able to introduce me to his tiny siblings.

What a day, glorious day, that will be!!!

Flashback Friday...

Friday, November 07, 2008
My president, but not my savior...
I have been pondering the words of Isaiah 9:2 and Matthew 4:16 which says, "the people living in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned."

This really has put this election in perspective for me. As Romans 8 tells us, all creation is groaning for redemption. We were all created with a God shaped hole in us. The intangible part of us that makes us who we are, our soul, our spiritual being yearns for a Savior. Psalm 42:2 says, "My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?" Further, in Psalm 84 we read "My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God."

America has turned from God. Worse, Americans are running as fast as they can in the opposite direction desperate to quell the cry of their heart for it's Creator with anything. America truly believes that President Elect Obama is the cure for what ails it. But Mr. Obama is a sinful man just like the rest of us. Even if he were a man who did what is pleasing in the eyes of the Lord he is still finite and imperfect. Whether he is good for America or further devastates America, Americans will still be disappointed. America did not elect a president. America elected a savior. America has commited idolatry against God by idolizing His creation, Barack Obama. The cost for this will not be small. And the change America longs for will not come until it turns it's heart toward God.

"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless." Psalm 84:11

"For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." Romans 7:22-25