Thoughts and such...

Day 37: My little bit of happy - Open Gym followed by a 4 hour playdate with one of my favorite friends! It was an awesome day!

I am making a somewhat forced effort to write tonight. I've reached a place where I am lacking motivation to write about what is going on in my head. I'm still thinking and feeling lots of things, I guess it's just overwhelming at times and at others I feel a complete lack of motivation. I know I will regret it later if I don't make myself write, so here I sit.

Yesterday I finally got the results on all the pathology report. Chromosomes and cord came back normal. No surprise there. And the placenta did not show any thrombophilic changes. The high risk panel of doctors - OBs and perinatologists - at Kaiser met to discuss my "case". According to the perinatologists the placenta and the vessels therein would not have been mature enough for the pathologist to neccesarily be able to identify thrombophilic changes. So while we are still thinking cord accident (and frankly if you think about it, if the blood flow to the cord was compromised it would make a cord accident much more likely as the pressure in the cord would be diminished) I am being officially labled as thrombophilic. In all future pregnancies I will have to give myself (read that Super Hubbie will have to give me) daily shots of Lovenox (blood thinner) and I will be followed even MORE closely than I was even with Sarah and Caleb.

At this point I can probably kiss my hopes and dreams of ever having a homebirth goodbye. Deep in my heart I haven't given up, I'm just not ready to close that door and walk away. And it's also not something I'm ready to grieve over. This is something I really really want. It's what I believe in with all my heart and I wish that I could set that example for my daughters and make it something normal for them. Who knows... maybe I will live vicariously through them one day...