How can there be no Caleb?!

"My heart has heard You say, “Come and talk with Me.” And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”"

~ Psalm 27:8

Day 41: My little bit of happy - getting Sarah's play room and my bedroom back in order!

Dear Caleb,

My heart and thoughts have been filled with you today. I carry you with me every day, but today for some reason you've been a constant present in my thoughts.

I think some of it comes from the utter silliness of your sister, Sarah. Her two year old antics have me so filled with joy that my heart asks the same question it has been asking since I first held her in my arms. "What would life be with no Sarah in it?!" But now that question is bittersweet because it begs another question...

What is life with no Caleb in it, sweet boy?! How am I supposed to live without your soft silky pudginess, your words, your playfulness? How am I supposed to live without you climbing onto my lap shoving a book in my face demanding "you wead me!" Or bringing me a crayon and paper saying "D'aw my name!" What is life without hearing you say my name in your own sweet way or wrapping your arms around my neck with a big squeeze and pressing your cheek against mine? How can I stand not watching your sister tie a blanket around your neck so you can run around the room announcing "I f'ying... I super baby!!!" How can I stand not having you climb up into my chair and into my lap insisting "I want you"?! Or climbing into my bed and snuggling up against me saying "I want you b'ankies" or "I want ma-ma"?!

I am coming out of my pregnancy fog, feeling more industrious and productive with each day. Conquring laundry, tackling dishes, eliminating clutter... It feels so odd coming out of the pregnancy fog with no baby to tend too. Today I crashed hard and ended up taking a 3 hour nap between 5 and 8 pm because I worked so hard today... and I didn't have a nursing baby to make me stop and sit a while.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

which growshigher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
by: ee cummings

Carrying you in my heart,

~ Mama