"He decided how hard the winds should blow and how much rain should fall. He made the laws for the rain and laid out a path for the lightning. Then He saw wisdom and evaluated it. He set it in place and examined it thoroughly."
~ Job 28:25-27
Day 32: My little bit of happy - waking up next to my Super Hubbie this morning... because of his work schedule that is a special treat!
Caleb,
It's the middle of the night. All your brothers and sisters here are sleeping and your daddy is at work. I of course am surfing the internet reading all about pregnancy complications that lead to fetal death.
I do this for a few reasons. Part of it is just a natural normal grief process. There is a need to make sense of such a horribly traumatic event. Truly there are very few things in this fallen world worse than holding your child's lifeless body in your arms.
I also feel like I owe it to you. Not just to you, but also to your brothers and sisters who went to Heaven before you did. I feel like I owe it to my children, my siblings and their children. What is happening in my body that caused this to happen to you.
If this was preventable, I need to know that. If there is something genetic floating around in me that is causing this that I might have passed on to your sisters, we need to know that. If it's something that one of my brothers will pass on to their daughters... etc, etc, etc.... we need to know that. Because knowledge is power.
I have this awful sinking feeling that your death was completely preventable. If my doctor had ordered that one componenet to the thrombo panel in 2006 that she missed maybe we would know something we don't and I would have been on blood thinners. My primary care doctor ordered it and I should have the results back any day now. She also refered me to a genetic specialist... something else that should have been done back in 2006 when we lost Hope.
And yet, I believe in a God who says that He knew the number of your days before even one of them came to be. Before you were ever conceived (and oh the love with which you were made... I wish you could have stayed here to see how much I love and respect your daddy!) God knew that your life wouldn't be a day longer than it was. It was no surprise to Him that your heart stopped beating at 17 weeks. It was no surprise to Him that your body was born so tiny and lifeless. He planned it. All of this was according to GOD's wisdom and plan.
Even before I was born He knew that I would be your mommy. He knew that we would love you with all our hearts and do everything we could to protect you and take care of you, He knew that even after experiencing so much loss before that I would embrace you with my whole heart, holding nothing back for fear of pain.
Truly, to think we could have prevented your death is arrogance. To think that we can out move God.
I believe that God had many plans for your short life here. When Hope died was when for the first time in my reproductive life that a doctor has taken me seriously about my fertility and pregnancy issues. And with your death I am finally being taken seriously for the first time in my post pubescent life about my life long health concerns. Maybe because you died I will finally find the answer.
None of this is a maybe to God. He already knows and He is waiting for me to climb up into His arms and let Him carry the burden. And of course like Sarah does at nap time, I am resisting.
As I sit here reading stories of other mothers who's babies died before or during birth I long to go find you... to pick you up and hold you close to me. It makes me want to give you such a big hug, and never ever let go.
Someday...
~ Mommy
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