Day 30: My little bit of happy - hanging out in bed all day.
Dearest Caleb-Boy,
Your soul has been gone for an entire month. One month ago today we found out you had died.
Tomorrow is the one month anniversary of your birth. But you will never be one month old. You are ageless, and my heart breaks over and over again.
On this day a month ago I still carried you within me - I went to bed for the last time with you in my belly. I wrapped my hand around the melon sized ball that was your cozy little room and tried with all my might to feel you move. I desperately wanted it all to be a bad dream and for you to suddenly spring back to life. Yet not once did I ask God. I doubt I will ever understand why I didn't.
I realized last night as I was falling asleep that that bit of placenta that came out of me last night was a little piece of you. As gross as it is, it actually brought me a tiny bit of comfort. All this time I've been carrying a part of you with me. Last night I touched a part of you... the part that may have completely failed you in some kind of cruel joke.
If you were still alive, tomorrow would be week 22.
My belly would be quite obvious and I would feel you moving all the time. If you were still here I would know your personality, where your sweet spot in my belly was, and when you get sleepy. I would be looking at all the cute baby boy clothes and trying to find a way to justify spending money on them when I already have lots of baby boy clothes. I would play music to you every night while I slept, and I would rub your back and talk to you... calling you by your name. Caleb, sweet baby Caleb.
I grieve the things I'll never do with you. I grieve the birth I had dreamed... where you would be placed on my chest and I would comfort your tears. I would speak words of love and comfort to you and you would stop crying because my voice and my heart beating beneath your head would be your anchor in this new and unfamiliar world. I would offer you my breast and you would suckle both to bring yourself comfort, but also nourishment. And we would lay there, we two, in a world all our own. Skin to skin, flesh to flesh. Both of our bodies warm, our faces close, connecting on all those levels that only a mom and her boy can ever know.
Oh baby bear... If only there were something I could have done different. Some way I could have sheltered you and protected you. My arms and my heart ache. I long to feel your head snuggled up beneath my chin, your bottom in one hand, and the other stroking your head... your back... touching your ear and cheek before slipping my finger into your hand.
How I miss my baby boy and all the plans we made.
Love,
~ Mama
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