"I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD,the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm — He will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." ~ Psalm 121
Day 10: My little bit of happy - finding refuge in God's Word.
Dear Caleb,
Today we would have reached 19 weeks. While most of the time I am ok, sometimes I am not. In the mornings I wake up feeling shell shocked. And when I am not ok I am really REALLY not ok.
I am so sad that I will never again hold you in my arms, kiss your sweet face, or touch your tiny hands. I'll never nurse you at my breast, diaper your bottom, or put shoes on your little feet. I'll never tossle your curls and watch you teeter as you learn to walk. I'll watch everyone else's little boys do all these things. Learn to talk, go to Sunday School, run and laugh and play.
How selfish I am!
You, my son, have experienced all of this sinful world you'll ever know. You'll never have your heart broken. No one will ever hit you in anger. You'll never skin your knee, break a bone, or bump your head. Your fingers will never be pinched in a door and you'll never have nightmares. You'll never experience fear or pain. You will never be sick. You'll never be tempted or face discipline. "... because anyone who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with Him." Romans 6:7,8
All you have ever or will ever know is the comfortable embrace of your mother's womb and the loving face of the One who made you inside of me. What more can a mother want for her child?!?!
How selfish I am!!!
And yet, the God who created You within me also created these desires in me. He made me to have these instincts and desires for you so that you could grow to be a wise and godly man who seeks after Him.
And yet you have met death before you ever saw my face.
Some might blame God, but God did not do this.
Today we would have reached 19 weeks. While most of the time I am ok, sometimes I am not. In the mornings I wake up feeling shell shocked. And when I am not ok I am really REALLY not ok.
I am so sad that I will never again hold you in my arms, kiss your sweet face, or touch your tiny hands. I'll never nurse you at my breast, diaper your bottom, or put shoes on your little feet. I'll never tossle your curls and watch you teeter as you learn to walk. I'll watch everyone else's little boys do all these things. Learn to talk, go to Sunday School, run and laugh and play.
How selfish I am!
You, my son, have experienced all of this sinful world you'll ever know. You'll never have your heart broken. No one will ever hit you in anger. You'll never skin your knee, break a bone, or bump your head. Your fingers will never be pinched in a door and you'll never have nightmares. You'll never experience fear or pain. You will never be sick. You'll never be tempted or face discipline. "... because anyone who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with Him." Romans 6:7,8
All you have ever or will ever know is the comfortable embrace of your mother's womb and the loving face of the One who made you inside of me. What more can a mother want for her child?!?!
How selfish I am!!!
And yet, the God who created You within me also created these desires in me. He made me to have these instincts and desires for you so that you could grow to be a wise and godly man who seeks after Him.
And yet you have met death before you ever saw my face.
Some might blame God, but God did not do this.
God did not do this, sin did this and God allowed it. "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23 We live in a world that has been broken and tainted by sin. Not one living thing that passes through it will go through unscathed. Things break. People die. And death is no respecter of feelings or age.
Satan's attack on me is strong. When I let my guard down my mind fills with doubt. Even though there is nothing I could have done to cause or prevent this I feel guilty. I am your mother, mother's are supposed to protect their children!!! I wonder if I had not played the wii, maybe you would still be growing and living inside of me. Maybe if I had worn maternity tights instead of regular ones that last Sunday to church you'd not have gotten all tangled up. I know none of these things are true, but they creep in there.
How prideful and arrogant I am! When I allow myself to think these things I am elevating myself above God Himself! Yes, He who made you could have spared your life. If that was His plan for you.
God obviously has other plans for you, and for me as your mother. I wont mother you as other women mother their children, or even as I mother your brothers and sisters. I'll mother you by sharing your story and carrying on your legacy. There is so much more of your story to share, and so much work to be done. And through my broken heart I'll carry on your work. Your job here is done, and mine is just beginning.
Am I strong enough? Not in my own right. But by Christ's power within me I can share Him by sharing you. "Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
I love you Caleb. I am so empty and broken without you. But God is big enough to carry me through this, and I am His to do with as He pleases.
With a tearful heart,
Your very very sad Mommy
Satan's attack on me is strong. When I let my guard down my mind fills with doubt. Even though there is nothing I could have done to cause or prevent this I feel guilty. I am your mother, mother's are supposed to protect their children!!! I wonder if I had not played the wii, maybe you would still be growing and living inside of me. Maybe if I had worn maternity tights instead of regular ones that last Sunday to church you'd not have gotten all tangled up. I know none of these things are true, but they creep in there.
How prideful and arrogant I am! When I allow myself to think these things I am elevating myself above God Himself! Yes, He who made you could have spared your life. If that was His plan for you.
God obviously has other plans for you, and for me as your mother. I wont mother you as other women mother their children, or even as I mother your brothers and sisters. I'll mother you by sharing your story and carrying on your legacy. There is so much more of your story to share, and so much work to be done. And through my broken heart I'll carry on your work. Your job here is done, and mine is just beginning.
Am I strong enough? Not in my own right. But by Christ's power within me I can share Him by sharing you. "Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
I love you Caleb. I am so empty and broken without you. But God is big enough to carry me through this, and I am His to do with as He pleases.
With a tearful heart,
Your very very sad Mommy
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