Today was supposed to be full of fun and excitement...

“But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and he will stand upon the earth at last. And after my body has decayed, yet in my body I will see God! I will see him for myself. Yes, I will see him with my own eyes. I am overwhelmed at the thought! ~ Job 19:25-27

Day 17: My little bit of happy - today it was hard to find, God had carry me a lot today. He gave me the fattest brightest rainbow I've ever seen in my life. And the image at 0:38 in the youtube video posted at the end of my post.

Dear Caleb,

I am so physically tired and so emotionally spent tonight. There's this part of me that just wants to go crawl in bed but I know I'll regret it later if I don't write an entry tonight.

Today was the day I looked forward to every day since we found out you were here.

For one thing, today we would have hit the half way mark! 20 weeks! I love the 20 week marker because it means I'm getting closer and closer to the day when I will finally hold my sweet one in my arms, hear their voice, and look them in the eyes. Only this time there is no 20 week mark, for you died 3 weeks ago.

Three weeks???!!! Can it possibly be that long since you left us?! That is almost a whole month and the thought makes me feel filled with panic. Time is seperating us. My life keeps moving forward, while yours has stopped in it's tracks. I want to stay back there with you - in the time where I had physical contact with you.

You lived, and played inside of me. Constant motion - first it was just cells dividing and exploding with new life. Soon those explosions became the steady beat of a human heart. And then you learned how to move. Just a couple twitches at first... and then you realized you could do it yourself!

The last time we saw you alive you were 13 weeks and 4 days old. You were playing with your hand and it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. You kept opening and closing your hand - clenching it into a fist and then opening your palm so wide we could see all 5 of your fingers - again and again you did it like it was the coolest thing in the whole world. I joked to my doctor that I wasn't convinced that you had legs because you were keeping them tucked in close to your body, so she let us watch you for a few minutes longer. You lept! It wasn't just a kick. This incredibly tiny person inside of me jumped! I will always be so thankful that my doctor took those few extra moments with us that day to enjoy watching you play. It is such a cherished memory!!!

You were so full of life. You seemed so healthy and vigorous. So how is it that less than 4 weeks later you just... died?! What happened?! I still can hardly believe that it's true. I find myself having to look at your things and visit your grave to remind myself that YES you were real and I didn't dream you up.

I so wish I had blogged my pregnancy with you. I blogged about Sarah's constantly, and Hope's (the baby we lost before we had her). I was just so anxious to get to the end that I let myself get lost in all the other kids while I waited for time to pass. If I could go back and do it over I would have taken the belly pictures every 5 weeks and I would have blogged all about the things I was thinking and feeling with you. I had a LOT of Facebook statuses about you, but only a couple of blogs. Part of that was also because I was just soooo tired! You were a busy boy and you wiped me out!

The other reason today was so sad... today was the day we were supposed to have our big level 2 sonogram. We were going to watch you dance and play, and find out that I was RIGHT and you ARE a boy!!! I looked forward to today SOOOO much. I was so excited I could hardly stand it! Eager didn't even begin to describe me and the day just couldn't come soon enough! Especially after that last one, I just couldn't wait to see more of you!

And then today did come. And all day I wished it hadn't. My heart broke over and over again and I was just so so sad and empty. There was no celebrating. No rejoicing. No marveling.

Oh sweet boy... I know that if you had the choice of leaving Heaven and coming back here you would choose to stay. But oh how I wish I could bring you back. Do or undo SOMETHING that would have prevented your death. How can this possibly real?! How did this happen to me? How did I get here?! Your mother's womb should have been the safest place in the world. Sin has made it the most dangerous. The increased pain in childbearing reaches so much farther than just the physical pains of childbirth.

Missing a litttle boy named Caleb,

~ Your Mommy