I am the mommy gorilla...

Day 5: My little bit of happy today - my strong wonderful husband who takes me in his arms and just lets me sob my heart out.

Years ago I watched a documentary on PBS about gorillas in the wild. The researchers followed a mother gorilla who had given birth to a stillborn baby. The mother gorilla's instincts were so strong that she carried her baby around as if it were still alive. Her grief and denial were so strong that she cared for her baby's rotting body as if it were alive and well. She did not see death, she simply saw her child and could not let go.

I am the mommy gorilla. I am quite certain that if I had given birth to Caleb in a different time or a different situation where no one else influenced what was done with his body that I would still be carrying it with me.

This is the main reason, besides not being able to bear burning his body, why I did not want to have him cremated. I somehow instinctively already knew that if I did that I would carry him with me. I would not be able to let go. I know myself well enough to know that if I had his body with me it would become an idol in my life.

As it is, placing his body in his tiny coffin and watching them lower it in the ground before we each put a shovel of dirt into his grave was hard enough. I went back to the cemetary alone later and knelt next to his grave and just bawled. I can't even convey how strong the urge was to dig him up with my bare hands and hold him to my chest.

Really, I am ok. I am doing very well. The Lord is my fortress and my strength - my high tower, my deliverer. But even as He holds me steadfast my heart and my arms physically ache for my son. And no matter where I go in life, what other children pass through my body, that will never ever change.