Dear Madame,
I am writing to make a plea on behalf of parents who lose their children in the second trimester, following the loss of my son Caleb in January of this year. Caleb’s loss was an unexpected blow and with him died so many hopes and dreams we had for his life. Caleb was born at 17 weeks and 4 days, and though his body showed the affects of 5 days worth of maceration he was in every way perfect and exquisite.
A dear friend of mine is a photographer and when she asked me what I needed I simply asked her to come to the hospital and take pictures of our son. I knew that her camera and her abilities would leave us with something far better than what my own camera would provide. This has proved to be very true, while the few pictures we took with our point and shoot camera captured my son’s body when he was more fresh from the womb, they are grainy and very poor quality.
I cannot even begin to describe to you what having these pictures has done for me and the gift that I have been given. To have Caleb’s little life so honored and validated helps me tremendously in my grief. In addition these pictures can be used to help other families as they go through their loss and provide awareness of second trimester fetal development. Being able to pull up these pictures and once again see our son’s face, and his amazing little arms, legs, and feet… My heart hurts for moms, dads, siblings, and grandparents who don’t have pictures that show all the wonderful amazing details of their tiny little ones. And that they were indeed here. If I didn’t have these pictures of Caleb I’m sure I would doubt he was more than a dream.
After Caleb was born it was brought to my attention that he and babies like him are not accepted by NILMDTS. I’ve been told that a baby must reach 25 weeks of gestation to be eligible for NILMDTS.
This is a travesty! How is my son’s life… and the lives of others like him… less valuable than that of a baby a few weeks older? Were his hands and feet less precious?! Was he less amazing?! Was he less of a person because he was “only” a second trimester baby?!
I assure you, we mothers and fathers who lose our children in the second trimester grieve just as heavily as those parents who lose older babies. I felt my son move within me. We watched him dance and play on the sonogram. I held his cold little body in my hands, and I kissed his little face. He was perfect, he was ours, and our lives will never again be the same without him here.
Please, please don’t deny other parents the gift I have been given simply because their baby is too young. I beseech you to reconsider this guideline. The life of a 25 week gestation baby is not more valuable than that of a 16 or 17 week gestation baby. They are not loved or missed any more.
Sincerely,
Caleb’s Mommy
About Me
- mothergoose518
- Somewhat Crunchy, Old Fashioned, Fundamental Bible Believing Christian.
Full time stay at home mom to many.
(Two by choice, Six by birth, Eight in Heaven)
Infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth survivor.
College student. Relaxed homeschooler. Molder of hearts and minds. Cheerer of ball games.
Lover of books. Stringer of words. Wanna be photographer.
Passionate lover and helper of my Super Hubbie!
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Melodie,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for writing, and sharing your thoughts. First, please accept our heartfelt condolences on the loss of your precious son Caleb.
We did also want to give you a response regarding our 25 week gestational guideline. First and foremost, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep values ALL of these babies no matter how young or tiny they are. Our heart and mission would be that no family goes un-served, and we are certainly not making a statement about any baby and how precious their life is, or on what that child and their photos may mean to their families.
With that being said, our policy is simply a guideline to start from that our medical community partners helped us to put into place. It is a recommended starting point and we have taken pictures of babies even as young as Caleb on occasion. If a baby is under 25 weeks gestation then we first consult with the hospital staff to help our photographers determine if they can capture professional images. Next, our volunteer photographers are given the choice on if they will go for a session under 25 weeks based on the nursing staff feedback. As our volunteer photographers are not medical professionals, they are not always equipped for handling these tiniest of babies, and so we do let them decide if they are able to take these sessions or not. We understand that often times a baby who has reached 25 weeks or older may not be able to be photographed either and the nursing staff advise us on babies older than 25 weeks also. Our volunteer photographers are also able to use their own discretion on which of these sessions 25 weeks and above they can take.
All of our photographers are volunteers who do this work in an effort to serve families in need on behalf of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and they have such big hearts especially for grieving families. Our volunteer base is not yet big enough to meet the current needs that come up from day to day, and our hearts are heavy that families will go without our services at times. Our guidelines are put into place in order to help us retain volunteers so that they may continue to serve families in need. These policies have been carefully drafted with the help of hospital staff in the communities we serve, and approved by our Board of Directors which includes parents, photographers, and medical staff.
We're sorry if the policy made you feel that any child younger than 25 weeks is less than worthy of our services, that is truly not the case. Many areas are served by a small group of volunteers who have determined that they are unable to photograph those babies who are not yet 25 weeks gestation, either because it is just too difficult for them, there are not enough volunteers to cover the need, or they feel they cannot provide the quality of images for these very tiny babies.
Both of our co-founders and several of our office staff are mothers/fathers who have experienced a loss and we all know that every child is precious and their memories are treasured. We are glad you were able to have a friend take photographs for you. Please let us know if you have further questions that we can answer for you.
Sincerely,
Cheryl Haggard
NILMDTS CoFounder
Jacque Lopez
Interim Executive Director & Business Operations Manager
Melodie,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to take the time to tell you how very sorry I am for your loss of your son Caleb.
I too am a parent of a little one gone too soon. I know that hearing such words bring many hard feelings upon you.
I am also a volunteer for NILMDTS and I felt the need to reach out to you to let you know. When we have a guideline in place that it by no means is saying your son wasn't worthy or that any child under 25 weeks isn't worthy.
That simply is not the case. The problem lies with the fact this is a volunteer organization and we are still fairly new. So we have to set in place some sort of guideline as to not stress out the organization and it's volunteers.
We get calls all the time for babies less than 25 weeks and yes sometimes we do have to say we are unable to take that call. Not because that child isn't worth it but sometimes it just isn't possible.
I myself have done several tiny babies 25 weeks and under and previously just did a 21 weeker. She was beautiful but sometimes the smaller babies can be emotionally harder on the volunteers and sometimes it's maybe more of an inadequate feelings of being able to capture something that would be of healing to the family.
Babies under 25 weeks are under the discresion of medical staff and the willing volunteer as well.
There are cases when we get a request for a little one over 25 weeks until a few years of age and we were unable to provide services as well.
NILMDTS's purpose isn't to put a vaule on any babys life at all. But please understand sometimes we just can't meet the needs of every family out there.
As much as we wish we could meet the needs of every single parent out there. It just isn't possible. There have been times I have done 4 sessions is one week because we couldn't find a volunteer who was able to help at that time.
Now I am also the mom of 3 living children as well as have a job as a daycare provider, photographer and affiliated photographer for NILMDTS. Let's say right now we did lower the guidelines.
I would end up a very frustrated individual because I know as a parent with an Angel how much my portraits mean to me so I never say no. But there is no possibe way I could handle that call volume that would result in lowering the guidelines.
So please please rest assured that the guidelines are in place not to devalue the meaning of life or to pick and chose who is worth it. That is simply not the case. It's to protect this growing organization and it's volunteers from Burn out.
Your son is beautiful and I would have in a minute taken that session just so you know.
If you ever need someone to talk to I am here.
Sincerly,
Angela Donaldson
Melodie,
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing I can say that Cheryl (our co-founder) and Angela (one of our best volunteers) have not already said.
It is true that we hold these guild lines in place, but this does not mean that we turn away families in their time of grief. I have serviced MANY babies under 25 weeks and the results have been beautiful. Our guidelines have nothing to do with the value or life of your child, they only have to do with protecting and retaining our volunteer staff.
As it is, we are understaffed all over the country. We have families being unserviced every day because we are underfunded and do not have enough manpower. We all do this on our free time- away from our families, living children and other obligations. Meeting the needs of every family simply isn't possible.
I hope that you can understand that our policies are not a slight against you or your beautiful angel, they are only put in place because we had to draw the line for what we were capable of doing within our mission. I hope that someday each family in need can be serviced, no matter what age or condition of the baby- but currently that simply is not possible.
Hopefully the volunteers in your area can re-educate the staff at the hospital you delivered and let them know that the 25 week guideline is not an exact science nor is it the final say in whether or not we are available to service families such as yours.
Blessings to you
-Dominique Lucas
Dear Melodie,
ReplyDeleteI would like to extend my heartfelt condolences with the loss of your son. I, too, know just how hard it is to lose a child. I've lost a few of my own.
I don't want to echo each point the other poster's have said but agree with them. I'm a photographer and digital retoucher for NILMDTS. I wanted to share something with you that may help you further understand why there is a 25 week guideline in place.
I have gone to my local hospitals for families that have lost and their baby was under the 25 weeks guideline. It isn't something set in stone. It's a guideline. One of the babies I'm talking about was only 18 weeks. He was beautiful!
Each and every hospital (in my area) offer to take photos of the babies with their families even if they are under 25 weeks. They have cameras on the L&D floor and most have 4x6 printers, as well, so the families can have images right away of their baby. There just comes a time where we (Nilmdts photographers) can't do much more for a family where a nurse can do the same thing.
We try to work with the nurses and make sure that no family goes home without some photos. It is just a matter of who is taking the photographs for them.
Many hugs and blessings to you,
~Jennifer Brown