"For He has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy. He has not turned His back on them, but has listened to their cries for help."
~ Psalm 22:24

Day 70: My little bit of happy ~ my Bible study ladies.

Dear Caleb,

Mommy is missing you today. A whole whole lot.

A couple of nights ago your daddy was off, and so we were downstairs watching a movie together. As I was laying with my head in his lap he rested his hand on my empty belly. Something he does often. Immediately my mind was flooded with thoughts of the little boy who should be playing there. I found myself trying to picture you inside of me when you were still alive. Before your heart stopped beating and you were born looking so sad.

I closed my eyes and tried to imagine that amazing little body moving and wriggling and dancing. Touching your face, your placenta, the walls of my womb, reaching for your cord. When I sing to your sister Sarah I remember the times when I sang to both of you and dreamed of what it would be like to snuggle up with you in between us and your sister kissing you and stroking your head.

I keep looking at the picture of your hand on mine. What I would give to touch it one more time. To feel your moving within me. Such big defined movements they would be now. You would be all knees and elbows at this point. I would be preparing for your arrival now. Since my body can't handle pregnancy to 40 weeks I have to make sure that when 35 weeks hits I'm ready. We would be at 28.4 today.

I would be starting to slowly make those preparations now. Getting another bench for the van. Turning Sarah's carseat around and installing yours. Buying another seat for daddy's car. Setting up the crib and cradle. Organizing clothes and diapers.

Instead you will always and forever be my little 17 week baby who never wore a diaper or saw his mama or came home from the hospital. I'll never again touch your little hand, kiss your feet, or hold you to my chest.

Oh, if I could only reach you...
~ Mommy