Crazy weird wonderful horrible day...

Today was such an odd odd day. It started out really nice. Warm, beautiful, the sun was shining... our church was participating in an AWANA games event in Richmond and I had plans to drive down their with some of my kids for that. My mind and prayers were with the Dyer's who's day consisted of baby Amelia's memorial, but at the same time I was focused on having a wonderful day with my children and friends.

Before that could happen however, I had to put gas in the van so I made a quick solo trip to the gas station to fill up Oh, and to grab a coffee as well... yummy caramel vanilla latte! I decided to take the route home that would take me past the cemetary so that I could "duck in" momentarily. I'm not sure why I felt the need to be there, but for some reason I wanted to stand a moment at Caleb's grave with the sun shining down on me.

As I pulled into the cemetary I was in very good spirits. My body is healing from my recent illness and my heart was worshipful. I got out of the van and walked over to the little baby area. Each time that I go I take inventory. I try to see if anyone else has been there since my last visit. Are there new flowers? Any new markers?

Immediately something seemed different, and initially I chalked it up to the fact that it was such a beautiful spring day. But then I noticd that the dirt on Caleb's grave looked a little neater, and a little fresher. Feeling a bit disoriented it finally dawned on me that there was a fresh little grave right beside his. And I do mean RIGHT beside his.

And it looked almost exactly like his did when he was freshly layed there, minus the little name plate, balloon, and cut flowers. In place of those someone had stuck some pink silk carnations into the dirt. That was it. Just the freshly moved earth and some faux flowers stuck in the ground.

I almost thought I was imagining it, and once I realized that this was for real, my entire spirit just plummeted. It was so overwhelmingly emotional to know that there was another little life snuffed out by this cruel world. Another little baby had been laid in the ground beside mine... close not just in physical proximity but also in time. Another mother's heart has shattered into a thousand pieces.

The very few pieces of the story I've been able to gather make it all the more devestating. The baby was only a few weeks older than Caleb was when he died. But this baby was born to a very young single mother. I can not even imagine how this compounds the grief process. Or the feelings of guilt.

My day was pretty much down hill from there. Stupid stupid stuff, inconsequential and maddening. Mixed with fun and happiness. It was just weird.

I forgot to put the van in park. I got a speeding ticket because I still forget that the highway speed limit here is NOT what it is back home. The cop informed me that the registration I handed him was not the current one. I poured cider down the front of my shirt. I sound like an angry goose when I talk. The Super Hubbie was in a stinky mood when I got home. I got chastised for something church related that wasn't directly my doing.

But at the same time I wasn't terribly sad, or irritated, or even unhappy. I don't think I can even pinpoint my feelings today. The vascilated (sp?) so much and so fast that there is no one thing I can point to as defining my day. It was a bad day, but it was also a wonderful and beautiful day.

I got to go on a road trip and play the music of my choice at the volume of my choice. My kids had a blast. I got to take a ton of pictures without worrying about keeping track of Sarah. I got a yummy cider from Starbucks. The Super Hubbie and I ran away without *any* kids for about an hour to grab dinner for the family. I rode shot gun and took a ton of pictures of the sunsetting through the trees. He pulled over and let me get some shots of a swampy lake area. We heard TAPS playing on the base from where we were parked. We had chinese food for dinner.

I'm glad today is over, but I'm not sorry it happened.

And now, I need to call our internet provider and find out why I can't see my own website unless I access it through another ISP.