2 whole months...

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship."

~ Romans 12:1

Day 54: My little bit of happy ~ is a secret!

Dear Caleb,

Today is your 2 month birthday, and also the day when we would be finishing our 26th week of pregnancy and coming to the end of the second trimester. How sad that makes me! You've been gone from us for 2 entire months, and we still aren't even close to your due date!

I still haven't changed the "What To Expect When You're Expecting" app on my iPhone. It is still tracking YOUR pregnancy... each week that you aren't here my phone still remembers where you would be. Each milestone I reach with a quiet belly.

I long for you. And I don't see that every going away. I can't even imagine it ever fading.

And I have to wonder... when there is another growing beneath my heart will I be able to think of anyone but you? Will I be able to see the individuality of that child, or will the torch I carry for you outshine him or her? Will I be able to enjoy that child for who they are?

And what of when I hold my own baby in my arms again? Assuming she or he is alive... will they be able have their own shining moment, or will my heart still be with you? Will holding them bring the healing I long for, or intenify my hurt?

I need to keep my eyes set before me, and live in today. You are not in my todays. You live only my yesterdays, and in my memories. It is there that I hold you.

I dreamed of you the other day. I had been at my friend's house discussing Caleb's Ministry and we looked at several pictures taken the day of your funeral that I had never seen. And that night, you were in my dreams. Unfortunately the demand of your older siblings yanked me out of my dream so abruptly I wasn't able to savor it and the details were quickly forgotten. I don't remember what I dreamed about you, simply that you were there. And that it was a sweet pleasant dream. I wish for more of those

I love you my youngest son.
~ Mama