Another week, another loss...

"Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord!I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer,able to tread upon the heights."
~ Habbakuk 3:17-19

Day 60: My little bit of happy ~ slowly recovering from my respiratory illness and being able to breath easier, even if only a little bit.

Today marks another week that I "should" be pregnant. And while I think it and feel it, I feel foolish saying it because it is so far from the truth. I was never suposed to be pregnant a day longer than 17 weeks and 4 days.

And yet I sit here, caught up in my flesh, marking off another week of my short lived pregnancy. 27 weeks. The start of a whole new trimester - 2/3 of the way there. But not for me and my sweet boy.

Last Monday I posted that my little bit of happy was a secret. You see, I had a positive pregnancy test. It was technically too early, but I was getting sick (oh how sick I ended up becoming!) and I needed to know if it would be safe to take the medicines my body would need to fight it off. But that positive was followed by a series of negative tests and then today I began bleeding.

I now have had my 4th very early miscarriage. Another "chemical pregnancy." A little soul passing through for but a few days before joining those in Heaven.

Here's the thing that galls me about these types of pregnancies. Our society is desperate to dehumanize the unborn! A chemical pregnancy is considered a "false positive" in the pregnancy testing world.

What is a chemical pregnancy? "Chemical pregnancy - This is a pregnancy that has a positive pregnancy test but the embryo or fetus do not develop."

Ummm... human life begining at human conception is a scientific FACT! If there is no embryo implanting in that uterine wall then there is no positive result of a pregnancy test. A chemical pregnancy is NOT a false positive. It is an early miscarriage. It is the death of human life. It is the loss of a child.

And I have to be honest. While I am disappointed at this turn of events, there is a very small part of me that feels relieved. After the initial excitement of seeing that positive, panic and fear set in.

My heart is still so fully wrapped up and focused on Caleb. I know that love does not divide, it multiplies. If I have enough love for Caleb and all of his siblings that are here for me to care for, then God will certainly create love in my heart for another one. And I do want another one, I do.

It just scares me.

I'm scared of loss, yes. But more than that I'm scared of not being able to connect. I'm worried that I wont be able to bond. From loving and longing for Caleb, from fear of another loss... I want to enjoy my next baby just as much as I enjoyed Caleb. More so. I want to grab onto it with both hands, and jump in with both feet. No matter how long or short my next pregnancy lasts I want to enjoy that child with heartfelt abandon. I don't want to hold anything back.

In my flesh I know I will never be able to do it.

And I'm scared that I wont be able to let go and let God do that work in my heart.