Oh me who never learns...

A community is supposed to be a living breathing entity. Each member giving and taking equally in a harmonious partnership. There are always those who don't contribute properly. We usually recognize these individuals as those are are all too eager for a handout, whether it be needed or not. These are the leeches of society. They feed and feed until there is nothing left to give and then move on to someone else.

Another scenario which is just as wrong, but not so easily recognized are the givers. Those who give and give and give but are very reluctant to receive in return. These people will not ask for help until they reach that point where they exhausted every other resource, those most filled with pride wont ever ask at all.

I am this person. And I never learn. Each time God places me in a position where I am dependant on those He has placed in my life I spend the whole time paddeling. For every blessing I try to bless in return. When I was a single mother this was a great source of frustration for me, as my resources were severly limited. I paid back in what ways I could - acts of service. Doing laundry, swallowing the cost of heating the water and running my washer and dryer, cleaning, baby sitting, organizing... if I was able I did it. I always knew it was never enough but still I felt the need to repay. My best was never good enough.

This past week I have found myself again in a situation where I was dependant on others, only this time far more so. This time drove me straight to the couch. If I wanted a drink of water, I had to ask for help. If I needed medication, I had to ask for it. When my baby needed her diaper change, I had to ask someone to do it. When she needed food, I had to ask someone to feed her. When my milk started to dry up because I was dehydrated I had to depend on someone else to give her a cup of water. When I needed to see a doctor I needed someone to drive me there. When I was to weak to walk on my own I had to lean on someone elses arm. I had to depend on others to transport my children to and from school.

Acute pylonephritus. That was my official diagosis. A severe kidney infection, probably caused by an undetected bladder infection. It was compounded when I developed a minor stomach virus. I was one very VERY sick girl. I have never ever EVER been so sick in my entire life. And I am such a wuss! I would make a terrible terrible cancer patient. I think of 2 people close to my heart who have been through so much worse with their health and I cower in shame that I should complain.

Rebecca, who having been diagnosed with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma was nearly killed by the chemotherapy that saved her life. Subsequently the radiation which shrunk the tumor also temporarily destroyed her taste buds causing even water to taste like poison.

Jamie, who at 15 weeks pregnant had to have emergency surgery to remove her gall bladder. Upon waking up she was told that if they had waited any longer she would have lost her son because she had started to turn septic. Jamie continued to suffer horrible attacks of pain for MONTHS and no matter who she turned to no answer could be found. Finally it was discovered that the doctor who removed her gall bladder had left several sizable stones in her bile duct.

In comparison, I have nothing to complain about. But to me, it was a mountain.

I had to trust.

I had to trust that my husband would take care of me and meet my needs. I had to trust that he would understand one of those needs would be trying to do certain things the way I do. Not that it had to be done perfectly, but that he would understand what things would be a priority to me. I had to trust him to take care of me.

He came through. Boy, did he ever come through. My house wasn't clean, but it was doable. My kids were taken care of. And he was there for me. He even got up in the middle of the night and gave me a suppository. On the last night that I was sick he sat next to me on the bed as I threw up - right next to me. When I was finished and had rinsed out my mouth and laid back down he went downstairs and called Kaiser and when they said they wanted me to go to the emergency room he packed the baby and I into the car and took us, even though it was 3:30 in the morning. That man showed me such love, care, and devotion and there is nothing I can ever do to repay him.

But there's the catch. It isn't meant to be repaid. That's what love is. That's what grace is. That's what a GIFT is.

My head knows this. I wonder if my heart is really ever going to get it.